Recovery.
It has shown me the beauty, brilliance, importance, and power of vulnerability and connection.
It feels really good to be open, honest, authentic, and willing to face the ups and the downs with another human who knows the real me.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle from time to time.
Certain touches or smells can still sometimes send chills through my body, causing me to react immediately- retracting into my body wrapping myself up into what feels like a safe emotional coocoon.
Sometimes I resist sharing my feelings, because not knowing what the reaction will be or what kind of response I will get terrifies me. Being open about how I am feeling can still make me nervous.
But most often, the euphoria I feel – ignites so many good feelings I never thought were possible for me without help from drugs or alcohol.
Sober sex, raw intimacy, and sober, authentic, vulnerable connection…these things are actually not enhanced with chemicals. They are actually muted and stunted, taking so much away from what they are intended to be. Just as they took away so many parts of who I was, altering who I was intended to be and taking away any potential I had to offer relationships.
Sobriety truly delivers all of the things I initially sought from that feeling of being high.
When I thought they made me feel more open and more like me.
When my body felt warm and relaxed.
That all turned into a long nightmare that almost took my life.
As I sought freedom from the clenches if addiction, I dreamt of being free, despite not really knowing what I was asking for.
Sobriety was going to allow me to take my life back.
But it has given me so much more.
I wanted freedom and by the grace of God, I got it.
But I didn’t take that life back- I built a different one.
I have also been gifted that same euphoria, peace, and connection with myself and the people around me I had always craved- that thing I was still seeking and searching for before I got addicted.
That thing I wanted my entire life.
Relationships are messy and hard.
They’re up and they’re down and they are not always easy.
But that is the beauty of real friendship and connection, I guess.
I’m not afraid anymore to be seen.
To show up as is.
To share who I was and to be who I am without apologies.
That means I am able to do the same for the people in my life.
Thank you, Jesus, for loving me back to life and for showing me that I am worth fighting for.