The internet talks a lot about self-care and how it’s not a selfish act. And it’s not. Not for those of us who developed habits and patterns of thinking that excluded us from being cared for.
I spent my childhood caring for others. I cared for them because I thought it was my job. That was my role. It was also my attempt to keep peace and create a feeling of safety, regardless of whether or not all my efforts created a safe space. It helped me feel more comfortable.
Having the illusion of control, led me and my body to believe that it was okay to come out of my room.
Staying up on my toes in a constant state of wait- helped me believe that I was on top of things.
Moving one step ahead helped me feel like I had a handle on my situation.
There was no time to pay attention to me. What I needed. Especially not what I wanted or who I wanted to be. My own interests, needs, dreams, desires, or feelings. None of that was on my radar-it couldn’t be. I couldn’t afford to devote any effort or time to things like that. I didn’t have that luxury.
The thing I have learned is that these things shouldn’t be considered a luxury. It should be expected that children have the time and opportunity to feel their feelings. To process emotions and to discover who they and what they’re interested in.
Healing has shown me why is so important to show up for myself. As an adult I have had to learn to care for myself. To pay attention to how I feel. To express my needs. to listen to my intution. To respect my comfort levels.
To be on my own side. Without that overwhelming, heavy guilt lurking over my shoulder.
I love others. I do my very best to be of quiet service to people in need. I don’t put myself first selfishly. I don’t think of myself as more important than the people around me.
But I have learned that it is totally fine, totally healthy- to think of myself.This is not a selfish act for survivors of trauma.
This is us, standing up. Some of us, for the first time, are saying-
“I am not ashamed” to be me.
To lift my head. To be seen. To speak up. To learn to love who I am.