There are always going to be people out there who criticize or judge or gossip about our decision to change our lives.
And for those of us who come from unhealthy families, it can be confusing when family members are the ones doing it.
How can these people, who know some of what we experienced, object that we are taking a stand-that we have decided that enough is enough? That we are no longer subscribing to the toxic, hurtful rhetoric we used to accept and tolerate?
Confusing, right? Definitely.
And also unnecessary.
Cruel is a good way to describe it, but it is also something we recognize by now. People acting in ways that don’t make any sense. I understand that is something I can expect.
The last fourteen years have shown me that the more I grow and change, the more pressure people like to put on me to explain my choices.
I “owe” them an explanation for the changes I have made.
When actually, I don’t.
I am free to be who and what I want to be. That’s the part that angers them, I think.
This can be true for anyone, not just people recovering from substance use disorder or people healing from childhood trauma.
Anyone who is doing better for themselves and their families, who have had to make hard decisions or who have had to create and implement boundaries, knows exactly what I am talking about.
I am convinced that people who are afraid of their own truth are usually the ones projecting their fear onto people who are changing, in the form of demeaning behavior.
Basically, guilt trips in all forms and trying to paint the person who is healing and changing in a bad light.
It’s textbook stuff, really and we know this because I think the majority of us who are in recovery have been there too. It’s really hard to be happy for other people when you aren’t happy.
We have experienced what it can feel like to watch the world continue to turn without feeling like we’re a part of what’s going on and it can be frustrating.
I get it.
But my trauma didn’t give me a right to be a bitch (and I was) and unhealed people do not have a free pass to trample on the people who are trying to do better.
I have family members who gossip about my healing journey and the choices that I make, my parenting, the things I choose to reveal or write about, all while suffering in their own personal lives in one way or another.
It’s not easy to admit that maybe we have some issues that we have been ignoring or avoiding or that we are afraid to admit that maybe we don’t have it all together.
That kind of pressure is a lot to carry.
And we don’t have to.
It’s not our job to fix that for them.
And just because we can empathize with them and we can choose not to react or respond with anger or hatred or revenge—–doesn’t mean we have to lay down to be stomped on in the name of a bloodline.
I can make you look or feel bad, and I look and feel better. That doesn’t work and we know it.
So.
If you are reading this and you are struggling in some way with family members who enjoy or take some sort of enjoyment from putting you down-you aren’t alone.
Remember:
-It is only a reflection of their unhealed spaces.
-We are only in control of who we are and what we do and say.
-It’s okay to heal and grow, there is nothing to feel guilty about.
-There are thousands of us out here, you are not alone.
We aren’t responsible for the way other people perceive us.
-We have a right to heal and we do not have to suffer to make other people feel more comfortable about the state of their mental well-being or their choices.
-God knows our heart and our motives.
-It is okay to say nothing at all. Sometimes the best response is none at all.
-We are dedicated to promoting healthy cycles and protecting our peace.
-It’s okay to choose not to engage.
The pressure to conform can feel heavy. I know that it can weigh on our hearts and sometimes we might feel the need to explain who we are now and why we have made the decions we have made and why we need to keep our boundaries firm and our peace protected.
But most of the time we need to remember that it is not our responsibility to tend to other people’s gardens.
We take care of ours, and they can take care of theirs.
We have to remember that it is important and OKAY to heal anyway.