I haven’t written here in two months. I took a break from the shining light of my laptop and did what a friend suggested. I rested. In the weeks since, I have done a lot of recreational reading that I have enjoyed catching up on, and have enjoyed solely focusing no my three kids who are on summer break.
It has been two months since my book baby entered the world. Friends, family, and my inherited internet community who have become my friends have been nothing less than curious and supportive of Discovering Beautiful Book.
I have noticed a pattern, though. I sat across from a friend at lunch yesterday afternoon and she asked how my family felt about my book.
People have asked me all kinds of book questions, but this particular question has been one of the more common ones- along with questions about my mom and our current relationship status. It seems that people want to know: How does your family feel about your book? and How are you and your mom still in each other’s lives?
Let’s dig right in:
So, what does my family think?
First, I would be lying to you if I told you that question kept me up at night. It really doesn’t organically creep into my mind or keep me from sleeping peacefully. I made it a point to write with intention, with purpose, and with no malice in my heart. There is a reason that my book was written and published when it was. The book idea itself has been in my head and heart for years, but I wanted to give myself time to gain perspective, to heal completely, and to be sure that forgiveness was a concept that I truly understood and was ready to embrace biblically to the best of my ability before I even thought of sharing parts of my story in book format. I feel that guilt or an awkward feeling would be hindering my life or conscience if I had written with an intent to cause harm or to vilify certain people for any reason. When I say I told the truth as I recall, that’s exactly what that means.
Second, I am happy to report that five of my extended family members who called me after reading the book, called to congratulate me. Some of them thanked me for speaking out, others apologized for knowing or having intuitive feelings and not acting on them, but all were excited to see what God would do with Discovering Beautiful. One family member and I prayed over the phone. We cried and connected on a level we never had. Of course, (with the exception of my mom), I have not heard anything from any of my immediate family members. They have been completely silent and I wouldn’t expect any other response from them.
Why do my mom and I still talk?
The short, easy answer is forgiveness. We talk, sort of. Or sometimes. Occasionally. If you have followed Discovering Beautiful Blog for any amount of time yo have read about the complexity and fragility of our ever-changing dynamic. There have been years that she and I did not have any sort of communication. Other times we talk sporadically. As of late, we have been communicating regularly on a bi-weekly basis. My boundaries and openness to have a relationship with her in the last fifteen years depend on her mental health status. I know for those of you who have mental health disorders, that probably sounds harsh. However, with my mom’s diagnosis and our colored past, my safety and mental health (which I also have mental health disorders) and the safety and health of my family is my first priority. I do my best to play an active role in her life and help her as much as I am able to, assuming that I can continue operating healthily in my freshly built life. I do my best and that’s all I have. A few weeks ago I helped her move into a new place, and last week I drove over and helped her unpack boxes, as we talked and organized her kitchen. She knows about the publication of my book, and she knew and understood what my book would include. The thing is, she understands that my story wasn’t told to punish her but to connect with people in similar situations. I have forgiven her and I am still learning how to incorporate her into my life, and what that is supposed to look like. What kind of an asshole would I be if I wrote a book about healing, and still held hate, contempt, or feelings of revenge in my heart for a woman who simply made a lot of mistakes that I thought ruined any opportunity that I had for a normal, full, healthy life-when in fact, she didn’t. She made it harder, but not impossible. That part was my job to figure out. So yes. My mom and I have talked about the book. Yes, she knows that it has truth in it, and yes. She and I are still trying to build something new that we can smile about and we are both doing our best to leave the rest behind us somewhere.
I am really happy that I took the advice to just simmer and sit with the exciting prospect of reaching a goal that meant so much to me, but I am excited to hop back into blogging. I do have a lot more that I want to share with you, so check back soon peeps. I’ve missed you.