It’s Probably Going To Fall Apart.

Behavior is said to be self–sabotaging when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals and I don’t necessarily think it always has to manifest in loud, obvious, expected ways.

What used to be me ruining relationships, lying, stealing, or destroying my mind and body, to make sure that I wouldn’t have to feel anything or connect to anyone or face my past or my decisions, has shifted into a more subtle, quiet, approach to stealing my joy, my peace, or overall sense of security.

We just sold our old house and bought a new house in the same month.
Stressful? Yes.
Exciting? Absolutely.
Do other people do it all the time? Yep. Every day.

As a walking, talking, a well-oiled mixture of gratitude, anxiety, and perfectionism, while I am a two-feet, jump right in kind of person, I still tend to feel squeamish in the midst of big life changes, but I am not afraid or resistant to them. I don’t waste time fearing big transitions because so far nothing has challenged or stretched me in ways that my sobriety has the last eleven years, so it takes a lot more than the list of unknowns that come with a geographical shift to stop me from going all in.

Instead, I have battled thoughts of it all abruptly crashing down.

Maybe you can relate to the feeling?

It almost feels like a tactic my brain uses or a chemical it produces to shield me, constantly sending messages of the danger that can come from feeling excited or expectant of good things.

It’s the same one that paralyzes you as you are watching a horror film. You know they’re coming. You can sometimes feel that the villain is close and you know because your stomach is in knots and you have to remind yourself to breathe. The incidental music clearly signals the distress in the air and impending danger, magnifying your anticipation, but you have no idea if they’re actually around that next corner.

For me, that is what self-sabotage feels like these days. It’s obvious but quiet. It’s predictable but sketchy. It’s there but is it really coming? We’ll never know. The limbo is exhausting and it’s meant to be. Its whole point and overall goal is to devalue the moment; to steal the good or the joy; to taint the memory, or suck the innocence right out of a positive, awesome thing.

I spent the last month sifting through the bullshit that I know isn’t actually likely to be lurking around any corner. I know this kind of feeling is something in me that exists and has for a long time. Years ago I had to accept some of the harder truths of living a sober, adult life. I cannot live the full life that God has for me if I am busy protecting myself against a long list of possible unknown variables. I know that is a recipe for disaster and I would undoubtedly cause me to miss out on so much of my life, completely countering my goals and the life that I am trying to live. So I just make sure to stay vigilant about pinpointing and recognizing when it’s happening. I know the unsettling feeling well and I try my best not to react to it. I try to dissect it until it loses ground. I break it down, challenge it, and repeat until it passes. I go head to head, with my head.

I am inherently sarcastic, but not cynical, and I’d like to think that I am more of an optimist than a doomsday-ish pessimist. The quiet waves of thoughts that have trickled into my mind over the last few weeks were very subtle but just noticeable enough to cause a distraction in my heart and knock me off balance.

At times I felt frustrated really with myself, and other times I entertained the ideas for a little while allowing them to consume my focus, all while trying to freely allow myself to celebrate and enjoy the process.

I would lay in bed and go over and over the list of logical and tangible reasons why the sale of our house was confirmed and complete. I would feel like I don’t deserve nicer things. Even after there was a zero percent chance for the sale to fall through I still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going to go wrong, that would affect the purchase of our new house. Only now, having been in our new house for over a week, am I starting to feel like things are secure.

Did you know that sometimes self-sabotage or darker thinking is just a subconscious mechanism sought out by your mind as a form of self-protection?

For me, the self-protection part is very deeply ingrained and almost feels as if it could be me, although it is not indicative of the voice of my true self. A childhood lived so long ago but one that was so full of trauma that it changed the way I coped with life and how I viewed the world around me. Nothing went right. Promises weren’t kept. Countless times I sat idly by and watched things unravel and break and disappear. It seemed as if there was a black cloud hanging directly over my world and no one seemed to be able to fix it despite failed attempts to reach in and at some point, I decided, fuck all of it. I decided I didn’t need people because the feeling of loss wasn’t something I wanted to experience anymore. I taught myself that having no expectations was better than having unmet needs, and assuming the worst first will save me from any future disappointment.

As an adult, the peeling off of the lies and the masks and the faulty protection plans I developed for myself has been tiring and tricky, but not impossible.

This is why I am so thankful for my recovery.

Not only did I get sober through a recovery program, it taught me from day one to challenge my own thoughts and without it, I may have never discovered that I developed deeper core issues that lived beyond my love and connection with drugs and alcohol.

These forms of protection or thought processes were completely unknown to me, and I have only been actively combating them for a little over ten years now. I have learned to operate systematically when it comes to self-examination. Being brutally honest about what I am thinking, and knowing that I have to continually check myself, has saved me hundreds of times over the years. Remaining humble about who I am by reminding myself of what little I am capable of without God’s strength and power, enables me to keep an accurate view of my track record.

I don’t just think that I need to call myself on my own bullshit on a regular basis, I know that if I don’t, it will spread like wildfire and consume my entire life yet again.

The self-sabotage will gain traction and over time I will dismantle it all again. Even that quiet, subtle whisper late at night that tries to creep into my world can turn back into drug binges and selling important things at the pawn shop if I let it. I would just have to give it time and free reign.

Recovery has been this long, terrifying, fun, technical, intricate process of examining the pieces of the particular fabric that make me, me. I have learned how powerful and important it can be to my day-to-day living and my overall health and wellness to honestly evaluate my thought processes and my habits.

I am so thankful that I was able to recognize the feelings I was experiencing pretty early on in the process, and I am thankful to have the ability and opportunity to sift through them, rather than believing them and letting them dictate this experience for me by reacting or shutting down.

That is where my power is and that is how you take your life back.

Sometimes, it’s one thought at a time. Progress is how we build.

I am learning that the feelings that I feel right now at this very moment don’t have to be as scary as I have been making them. I am in awe and I am in disbelief that this is my life, and I still can’t believe that I was given a second chance, but I am not waiting for it all to crumble.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed with praise for God’s power and his ability to turn a life around, but that doesn’t mean that I have to entertain thoughts of not deserving a healthy or full life and I don’t have to sit in wait, convinced that something is going to happen and it will all just disappear. I don’t have to feel guilty for creating a new healthy life.

So guess what, friends?

I am allowing myself to feel excited to be sitting here in my new space to write. It feels amazing to be starting a new chapter with my babies and my husband and I truly am looking forward to whatever is going to happen next here. I am sure I’ll be keeping you up to date.