Today is my mom’s 52nd birthday.
I just wanted to share with you my experience with forgiveness.
It hasn’t meant reconciliation.
We went years without any contact.
It hasn’t been easy.
I haven’t forgotten.
It makes it even more difficult that she is still struggling,
and she has no recollection of any of my personal memories or experiences.
She doesn’t remember things the way I experienced them.
She did’t realize how bad things were.
She has never been able to provide closure or more details or reasons why.
Sometimes, when were in the same room I feel like my body is trembling from the inside out.
I’m on edge almost the entire time, nervous.
Other times I feel a little bit more calm and relaxed.
Our process has gone back and forth over the years.
We seem to take big steps forward and then giant steps backward.
Sometimes I get tired of trying.
Other times I just take breaks for my own mental well-being.
As of today we only see each other once every other month or so.
I do check in to see if she has the things that she needs-to survive.
The one positive thing that I have gotten from my choice to try to go through the process of forgiveness with her is my own peace.
Rest.
I don’t have a desire to see her suffer.
I don’t want payback.
I don’t expect her to repair parts of me that she damaged.
But I also don’t feel the desire to save her or be her fall person.
The peace that I feel comes from acceptance.
God has shown me that HE will provide the things that I need-and he has done that through my relationships with other women that he has placed in my life.
So while my mother may be lacking all the things that I envisioned to have-
my expectations of her aren’t as demanding, rigid, or needy.
I have what I need-
God has made sure of that.
I didn’t feel obligated to forgive her-
and it wasn’t necessary to try to let her back into my life little by little.
But she and I have made it work and I very different, brand new way.
I don’t feel like I’m lacking or sorry for myself for not having the mom I deserved.
For not having a mom who cares when I give birth or get married.
I have the one I have, and the rest God has provided.
And in addition to God showing me that he will provide- even if it doesn’t look exactly like I thought it should…
He has also shown me so many positive qualities that my mom still has.
She has a kind heart.
She’s not afraid to laugh too loud.
She doesn’t get embarrassed to ask questions.
Nothing seems to hold her back from being her authentic self.
She does try her best to be a good mom, with the skills she has and the mindset she is in on a given visit.
So happy birthday to her.
And if you are out there- struggling to choose forgiveness- or wondering if God will come through, be patient.
Don’t rush it.
Time doesn’t heal but it reveals new things.
So take your time.
And don’t forget that reconciliation is not right for everyone, and that is okay.
Forgiveness doesn’t require reconciliation.
“In the shadow of my hurt, forgiveness feel like a decision to reward my enemy. But in the shadow of the cross, forgiveness is merely a gift from one undeserving soul to another.”
-Andy Stanley