This was the one thing standing directly in front of me -barricading me, boxing me into my old life. My old way of thinking. An outright refusal to be seen; to connect. There was a life abundant waiting for me—-but it was on the other side of my idea that I had to be a…
Category: Breaking Generational Cycles
This is 36.
Monday is my birthday. 36 years on the earth and 12+ years of living freely, without being shackled to pain or tied down to a past I believed defined who I was and dictated my abilities. Every year, the closer I get to another birthday, the more surprised I am to be here. The more…
Forgiveness is Hard.
Today is my mom’s 52nd birthday. I just wanted to share with you my experience with forgiveness. It hasn’t meant reconciliation. We went years without any contact. It hasn’t been easy. I haven’t forgotten. It makes it even more difficult that she is still struggling, and she has no recollection of any of my personal…
First Meeting in 10 Years.
I went to a meeting last month. Crazy, right? For those of you who don’t know here’s some quick history. I began my recovery in a 12-step program. People like to proclaim that these kinds of things aren’t treatment- but I have to strongly disagree. For some of us- it is all we have to…
Simplifying Anonymity.
I think sometimes people make things way too complicated. My story is mine to tell, the details of my story are mine to tell. Your story is yours. Your details are yours to share. The fact that I choose to share my story and my details has no effect whatsoever on you, your program of…
Childhood Trauma
Sometimes I forget how far I have come. It’s not that I just completely forget how much work I’ve done, I think it’s more that I get too caught up in looking around at what’s going on with other people and their progress. For me this just isn’t a battle of staying away from substances…
Endure.
We will be able to make it through. We can endure.
Using the synonyms listed for endure-
We will be able to persist.
We will be able to survive.
To live through.
To go on, continue.
To suffer patiently.
One-Dozen-Sober-Years.
This month I am officially reflecting on twelve years of sobriety. Perspective is such a badass thing. My recovery has transformed dozens of times. Every year in December, I take some time to let myself soak it in; I feel it all and I take stock of how things have changed. The phases. The tears, the…
They Are Not Just Bad People
The leaves have fallen. Bell ringers sign up for their two-hour shifts. I transition from my regular generalized anxiety to my fancier, more prevalent, Holiday anxiety mixed with a dash of seasonal affective disorder. It’s time to celebrate the holiday season. There is an ora of excitement that fills my house. I always decorate for…
The Good Kind of Fear
There aren’t many Sunday morning’s that I don’t find myself standing in awe, with tears in my eyes as I sing praises to Jesus. I am not one to stand with my arms held high, outstretched toward the ceiling of the sanctuary, but am more inclined to feel weighted; yet completely free, with my head hanging…
Today was Hard.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wo-eoECRErM&t=12s
Not a Hostage of Your Past
Every line of this photo is very personal to me. I have felt the weight and have allowed myself to be held back by each word at some point in my journey. A large chunk of my past causes my gut to tense up, seizing my breathing, causing my reality to pause as I cringe…
Getting Familiar with Family Recovery
Anytime I have unrealistic expectations for something or someone, I am solely responsible for letting myself down. This is what I have done with the idea of “Family Recovery” that I formed in my head for the better part of the last decade. My picturesque vision of family recovery resembled those stock photos slathered on so many treatment center websites:…
A New Stage of Change: Preparation
Life in the Bottle, written by Jeremiah Kirmse (7-11-2018, shared with permission) I love to be drunk but I don’t drink all the time, I am sitting in jail writing this rhyme. Popping the bottle, drinking has put me through hell, I love back on my life as I sit in this cell. I destroy…
Discovering Beautiful Book. What it is, and Why it Matters.
https://youtu.be/QcYgNR2Hsfc
Finding Wisdom in the Waiting
I’m breathing oxygen by Grace, living on borrowed time, and often I feel overcome with guilt. Why me and not them? Why not now? Did we do enough? When will it be their time? Have we gone and done too much? Do we forgive seventy times seven times? No, forget that. Have I forgiven seventy…
What’s Your One Thing?
Throughout my life, there was this one thing that I ran from. For years. I refused to embrace it. I didn’t dare dream of getting too close. There was no way I was going to feel it or attempting to use its strengths. I definitely wasn’t going to become carelessly reliant on it. Vulnerability. What…
Fundraising for ShatterProof 5k!
Even a donation of $5 counts, friends! Please consider helping me reach my goal this year of $150. Last year was the first annual Shatterproof 5k in Kansas City. We had an amazing turn-out! It was overwhelming to read the stories, listen to testimonials, and see survivors and those still fighting TOGETHER in the same…
I Didn’t Realize I Let Go
Have you ever wondered how to tell if you are really ‘over’ something? There are some things I am really great at letting go. I can usually keep it simple and it happens almost automatically. A lady blatantly stepped in line in front of me at the post office this afternoon and I said nothing. Not…
Good Grief.
On Sunday, March 25, 2018, we had to put our family pet to sleep. I am a sober person. For me, this means I was really good at hiding from emotion. It didn’t matter whether a feeling was positive or negative. I didn’t want to be sober long enough to feel forced into it….
Reactive, Fear-Based Love & 5 Things I Have Learned as an X-Enabler
It’s a blessing and a curse to have the foresight to take a few steps back when faced with a high-stress, family situation, especially in highly dysfunctional families, but if you want to start the process of changing or repairing any system you have to be willing to take an honest, objective look at it how things function (or…
Trauma, Addiction, & Shame
I have read, learned, experienced, and listened to enough TED talks to understand that the particular brand of shame I experience runs deep in my bones. Shame is different than feelings of guilt. The shame I feel is an underlying feeling of being inherently damaged, despite knowing the truth about who I am and who…
Stop The Need To Control Before It Starts
I have a slightly sarcastic teenager living in my house and I use the term slightly, sarcastically. He goes through phases of embracing different words and phrases that he and his friends consider to be funny. A few months back, it was Y.P. and M.P. For example, if I said to him, “Yo there…
Sobriety Doesn’t Always Feel Good, But it Always Feels Right.
I had coffee with my mom this week at my house, in my kitchen. I fed her and we talked for a couple of informative, surprisingly uneventful hours. She says that her case worker and counselor are two of the most friendly, knowledgeable, and responsive that she has ever had. (Praise the Lord for that)….
Early Recovery & Sober Mom Guilt
I had a birthday Saturday and I have to say turning 34 is just as cool as turning 33 was. As far as I can tell, as each sober year comes and goes this life stuff is going to continue to get better and better. Apparently, another hidden perk of my recovery has gone unnoticed….
Creating Tradition Doesn’t Have To Be Complicated
A few weeks ago during a small-ish ladies event, for our conversation starter activity we were asked to finish this sentence: (Out-loud. One by one.) “It just wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without…” Since I shelved the art of lying to try to sound as ‘normal’ as possible, years ago, for my response I chose to…
New Normals
In early recovery, my secondary focus was finding peace. It could have tied for first place if staying sober was even the tiniest bit negotiable as a required prerequisite before anything else could happen, but that’s not how this recovery thing works. Finding peace had been a priority on my to-do list my entire life….
3 Things I Have Learned About Breaking Cycles of Dysfunction
Most of what was supposed to have been my childhood was actually just me, walking around pissed, in disbelief that my life was actually my life. The rest I was just hyper-focused and centered on pre-planning my actions & reactions, and surviving day-to-day on an emotional and psychological level. I had no idea that I was…