Monday is my birthday. 36 years on the earth and 12+ years of living freely, without being shackled to pain or tied down to a past I believed defined who I was and dictated my abilities. Every year, the closer I get to another birthday, the more surprised I am to be here. The more…
Category: Adult Children of Addicted People
Forgiveness is Hard.
Today is my mom’s 52nd birthday. I just wanted to share with you my experience with forgiveness. It hasn’t meant reconciliation. We went years without any contact. It hasn’t been easy. I haven’t forgotten. It makes it even more difficult that she is still struggling, and she has no recollection of any of my personal…
First Meeting in 10 Years.
I went to a meeting last month. Crazy, right? For those of you who don’t know here’s some quick history. I began my recovery in a 12-step program. People like to proclaim that these kinds of things aren’t treatment- but I have to strongly disagree. For some of us- it is all we have to…
Simplifying Anonymity.
I think sometimes people make things way too complicated. My story is mine to tell, the details of my story are mine to tell. Your story is yours. Your details are yours to share. The fact that I choose to share my story and my details has no effect whatsoever on you, your program of…
Childhood Trauma
Sometimes I forget how far I have come. It’s not that I just completely forget how much work I’ve done, I think it’s more that I get too caught up in looking around at what’s going on with other people and their progress. For me this just isn’t a battle of staying away from substances…
One-Dozen-Sober-Years.
This month I am officially reflecting on twelve years of sobriety. Perspective is such a badass thing. My recovery has transformed dozens of times. Every year in December, I take some time to let myself soak it in; I feel it all and I take stock of how things have changed. The phases. The tears, the…
They Are Not Just Bad People
The leaves have fallen. Bell ringers sign up for their two-hour shifts. I transition from my regular generalized anxiety to my fancier, more prevalent, Holiday anxiety mixed with a dash of seasonal affective disorder. It’s time to celebrate the holiday season. There is an ora of excitement that fills my house. I always decorate for…
The Good Kind of Fear
There aren’t many Sunday morning’s that I don’t find myself standing in awe, with tears in my eyes as I sing praises to Jesus. I am not one to stand with my arms held high, outstretched toward the ceiling of the sanctuary, but am more inclined to feel weighted; yet completely free, with my head hanging…
Today was Hard.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wo-eoECRErM&t=12s
Not a Hostage of Your Past
Every line of this photo is very personal to me. I have felt the weight and have allowed myself to be held back by each word at some point in my journey. A large chunk of my past causes my gut to tense up, seizing my breathing, causing my reality to pause as I cringe…
Getting Familiar with Family Recovery
Anytime I have unrealistic expectations for something or someone, I am solely responsible for letting myself down. This is what I have done with the idea of “Family Recovery” that I formed in my head for the better part of the last decade. My picturesque vision of family recovery resembled those stock photos slathered on so many treatment center websites:…
Discovering Beautiful Book. What it is, and Why it Matters.
https://youtu.be/QcYgNR2Hsfc
Managing & Navigating Depressive Symptoms
https://youtu.be/yIDP6Kdvg54
Finding Wisdom in the Waiting
I’m breathing oxygen by Grace, living on borrowed time, and often I feel overcome with guilt. Why me and not them? Why not now? Did we do enough? When will it be their time? Have we gone and done too much? Do we forgive seventy times seven times? No, forget that. Have I forgiven seventy…
Practicing Forgiveness & Having a Clear Conscience
I haven’t written here in two months. I took a break from the shining light of my laptop and did what a friend suggested. I rested. In the weeks since, I have done a lot of recreational reading that I have enjoyed catching up on, and have enjoyed solely focusing no my three kids who…
Our Mental Health Matters
Sometimes our problems can seem like they are just too complicated to sort out or that maybe because our manilla file folder is exceptionally thick, we might just be stuck or deemed to live in toxic cycles forever until we die. I was a cornucopia of all things unhealthy and adverse, with a past much more…
What’s Your One Thing?
Throughout my life, there was this one thing that I ran from. For years. I refused to embrace it. I didn’t dare dream of getting too close. There was no way I was going to feel it or attempting to use its strengths. I definitely wasn’t going to become carelessly reliant on it. Vulnerability. What…
Fundraising for ShatterProof 5k!
Even a donation of $5 counts, friends! Please consider helping me reach my goal this year of $150. Last year was the first annual Shatterproof 5k in Kansas City. We had an amazing turn-out! It was overwhelming to read the stories, listen to testimonials, and see survivors and those still fighting TOGETHER in the same…
I Didn’t Realize I Let Go
Have you ever wondered how to tell if you are really ‘over’ something? There are some things I am really great at letting go. I can usually keep it simple and it happens almost automatically. A lady blatantly stepped in line in front of me at the post office this afternoon and I said nothing. Not…
It’s Probably Going To Fall Apart.
Behavior is said to be self–sabotaging when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals and I don’t necessarily think it always has to manifest in loud, obvious, expected ways. What used to be me ruining relationships, lying, stealing, or destroying my mind and body, to make sure that I wouldn’t have to feel anything or connect…
Trauma, Addiction, & Shame
I have read, learned, experienced, and listened to enough TED talks to understand that the particular brand of shame I experience runs deep in my bones. Shame is different than feelings of guilt. The shame I feel is an underlying feeling of being inherently damaged, despite knowing the truth about who I am and who…
Sobriety Doesn’t Always Feel Good, But it Always Feels Right.
I had coffee with my mom this week at my house, in my kitchen. I fed her and we talked for a couple of informative, surprisingly uneventful hours. She says that her case worker and counselor are two of the most friendly, knowledgeable, and responsive that she has ever had. (Praise the Lord for that)….
Perfectionism In Disguise
After I finished the last chapter of the first draft of my book, Tales of a Trauma Queen-Saved By Grace, I sat back in my chair and thought, “God my life used to suck.” I say that knowing how much better this thing has become. I say that, having an understanding of the significance of…
How I Learned to Stop Living Crisis to Crisis
If I were re-writing and tailoring the first half of the classic Serenity Prayer to speak to my former-self and the way I lived my former-life, it would go something like this: Brittany, c’mon already and grant yourself some strength, to desperately avoid the things you cannot change; courage to continuously hide from the things…
As a COA, Can I Honor My Parent?
Traditionally I write tributes to all of my surrogate “moms” for Mother’s Day, thanking the countless women who have impacted my life by sharing their stories, wisdom, tips, tricks, secrets, encouragement, and advice, helping me to fill in what has felt like an excessive amount of domestic and relational inadequacies. Or, I write about my…
What Recovery Taught Me About Accepting Love After Experiencing Trauma
It’s almost Valentine’s Day. Let’s talk about love…. A few years ago I believed that drugs and alcohol were the culprit behind my inability to accept love from other people. My philosophy? It was because of my addiction(s) that I had let toxic shame overcome all what was left of me, and that is why…
No Thank-You, Anxiety
Ten years ago I think if you would have asked me, I would have told you that I believed that I was an outgoing, people-oriented person. Never-mind the fact that it only took three or four various types of Benzo’s carefully carelessly mixed with any amount of cheap alcohol to render my central nervous system…
Don’t Give Up
Music speaks to me in a unique way and I loved this song the very first time I heard it on the radio a few weeks ago. Today is first time I have had a chance to watch the ‘official’ video for this song. I sat this morning with tears streaming down my face as…
When You Finally See That Everything Is Not Fine
Generational addiction is complex and ugly. While it isn’t a hopeless thing to come back from, it is impossible to mend relationships if no one is willing to take a look at the truth, especially if you are talking about unraveling years and years of effects of trauma, abuse, codependency, enabling, addiction, and mismanaged mental-illness….
I Am The Child Of An Addict & I Am A Former Stigma Supporter
If anyone understands what the ramifications of guilt and shame associated with the relentless, ignorant, shaming of another human being feels like, it would be me. Guilty. I was twenty-five before I realized that maybe, maybe my mom wasn’t actually just a batshit crazy woman, doomed to forever be an infuriating, selfish person. Seriously. I…