To my grandmother:
Breaking a cycle or pattern.
Sometimes it doesn’t make a lot of sense to read the words.
It’s the difference between theory and practice.
Often it doesn’t make a lot of sense on paper, but when we actually live it, the pieces come together and the words finally make sense.
_______
-This is how I’ve always felt about what it means to break a generational pattern.
This is a photo of my grandmother.
She was witty, funny, intelligent-sharp as a tack.
She was a writer of screenplays, a newspaper co-owner, a community theater actress, a stand-up comedian, and an owner of a special needs daycare.
She was giving, loving, and one of the funniest people you would ever spend any amount of time with no matter where you were.
She was my best friend. My late night, let’s talk for hours about the mundane and the practical, friend.
_______
But she also fought her own battles that she shared with me.
Before she passed away she told me that she was happy that she finally started going to counseling to learn how to deal with her codependency. She was married to an abusive alcoholic for several years. She suffered. Her kids suffered. Her guilt felt crippling.
…..and while I might always regret not taking her up on her offer to go to counseling with me, I will always have the memories that we shared and the takeaways from the lessons that her life have taught me, and continue to teach me.
__________
For years and years I watched my grandmother clean up messes.
Her unwavering love was so real and so raw and so authentic.
She loved hard. Her loyalty was the unrivaled kind.
And the way that she showed that love, was by being there no matter what -even when that meant cleaning up messes that weren’t hers to clean up.
Rather than seeing someone that she loves so much hurt or struggle, she fixed. She hurried. She made phone calls. She spent money. She wasted gas. She got treated poorly and then gave some more.
And then I spent my own time allowing her to love me in that same way. I too, took advantage of her love, as my addiction got worse and worse. Our friendship suffered, yet, she continued to soak up my messes.
She loved me so much that it almost killed her to see what I was doing to my life.
__________
And now here I am.
__________
Knee deep in motherhood.
Standing in front of choices.
__________
Finding my way around, trying my best to love -and to love hard.
To love raw.
To love real and deeply authentically-
Without killing myself.
Without loving so hard and so much that I abandoned boundaries altogether.
To allow my teen to fall, knowing Ill be here if I am needed.
To allow my brother to suffer from consequences, hopefully knowing he is worthy and valued and loved, even if no one is cleaning up his messes for him.
___________
This is how it looks to break a cycle.
Don’t think YOU can’t be the one.
You actually CAN.
_____________
It doesn’t mean you’re abandoning your family or disrespecting a loved one.
It means that FOR your family. To HONOR all that loved one has endured.
YOU are going to do a little bit better.
A little different.
A little safer
A little healthier.
🖤
©Brittany L. Shelton
(Feel free to share from this page)