Tag: Change

I Don’t Belong In a Church

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I have been reflecting on my time and my experiences with Celebrate Recovery, and although I don’t attend meetings anymore, there are so many things that this program taught me.

It is okay to be *exactly* who you are inside of an actual church:
During one of the very first large group sessions that I attended I heard a testimony. I had never met anyone who had overcome drug-addiction and lived to tell about it which was extraordinary, but
when I heard the word cocaine thrown around, along with hearing about extramarital affairs,
I legit thought that was it for all of us. I was already convinced that my I might actually burst into flames just by being in there in the first place.
I had an uneasy feeling that right there in that big room with the pews, (which I later learned is called a sanctuary) we were definitely breaking some weird illuminati-ish code, or some historical or religious law of some kind, for sure.
Maybe lightning would strike us dead sometime soon.
I really didn’t know how God worked but that guy speaking was talking about using drugs and cheating on his wife.
C|R taught me that the church is not for perfect people, but more so, the why of that is what was most important. We aren’t called to, asked, or expected to be perfect – just willing.
The more I heard about God, and learned about who this Jesus was as a man and what that meant for a person like me, the more I realized that the church could be my home too.
I learned that it was more than alright to be honest about who I was, where I came from, and the things that I had done…. it was necessary. It was necessary to understand why I need Jesus in the first place. In Celebrate Recovery you are allowed and encouraged to come exactly as you are, and without any of your masks.

We don’t have to have the same problems in order to connect.
Celebrate Recovery asks that we take a few steps back to see the bigger picture.
When we walk through the doors of a C|R meeting we are seeking a safe place; a shelter from our storm. We may not have all be experiencing the same storm, but we are all there in search of relief.
We all took different scenic routes to come to this place where we find ourselves walking through the doors of a meeting. Loss, grief, sadness, emptiness, anger, resentment, emotional exhaustion all feel the same when you look up and find yourself buried in an inescapable trench.
And we can all relate to the feeling of not having control of our lives anymore, and not having an idea how to begin to try to put the pieces back together again.
For one reason or another, we cannot live the way that we are living any longer, and that is a feeling that we can all relate to.

Despite what lawyers, family members, probation officers, police officers, teachers, a guidance counselor and even some random strangers had said to me at one point or another throughout my roller coaster ride it was actually possible to turn things around and start over again. (Thanks)
I don’t know how many times I heard the phrase “your slate can been cleaned” in the first handful of meetings I attended.
I sang unfamiliar (Christian) songs and uttered the words “white as snow” more times than I can remember. It took awhile for me to connect the dots. I really did not get what white snow had to do with God. I didn’t know who Jesus was, that he was referred to as the Lamb, that His blood meant anything to me personally or that all of these things were connected. What I did understand at the time is that a clean slate sounded pretty good to me. Hearing about this clean slate opportunity really did speak to me deep down inside of the black emptiness that probably use to have my soul in it. It was like an answer to my innermost desires that I couldn’t put into words. I wanted to get rid of all of the things that I had been walking around with for so many years. So I was totally open to hearing about this clean slate thing and maybe kept going back to see how exactly we could make that happen.

Although I had no idea at the time, I was unpacking a little bit each week. With each tear shed, and with each step I took, I was waking toward a cross that I didn’t understand. 
Eventually, I came to a place where I just said- I want my slate to be wiped clean. I want to start over.

Somehow, believing that it was a possibility even for me, sparked a tiny bit of hope. I still hadn’t accepted Jesus at this time, but I knew that these people had something that I really wanted; unwavering peace and brand new lives.

My ‘home’  group is Celebrate Recovery (C|R). It is 12-step, Christ-centered program. Although this program is similar to AA & NA, there are many distinct differences too.
(If you would like to read more about Celebrate Recovery, click here or here.)

December, 2016 will make TEN years since I walked through the doors and into my first meeting.
(I made a video about it that you can watch here if you are interested.)

This was where I navigated through the 12-steps.
This is where I sought weekly refuge after each hellish sober week that I got through, and some that I didn’t make it through completely sober. It was my safe haven for a long time. It was a place where I slowly (and mostly reluctantly) trudged through the bulk of my muddy past.

 

Your Journey.

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This is a book that I just finished.  I really enjoyed it.
It is probably really old. I am not sure when it was published, because I didn’t look. I found it in a huge pile of old books that were going to be thrown away.

I am sharing a few excerpts that I personally benefited from reading, but there are many many more that I have highlighted so you’re welcome for not making you read all of them.

I wasn’t interested in reading this because I felt lost. I really just like to learn about things that I don’t know about. I think it’s important to know why I believe what I believe and I like to have answers to questions that I have from wise, insightful authors.
I also like to challenge myself and am curious about  the diversity and foundations of other world religions and cultures.

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“In The Journey, you can investigate answers from three major perspectives—modern secularism, Eastern philosophy, and Christian faith—and form your own conclusions. If you or someone you know is engaged in a quest for faith and meaning, The Journey can help you find answers worthy of your time and commitment.”

If you are interested in buying this rather old, but still completely relevant book from 2001-
it is on Amazon for decent prices brand new and for —change (like change you can find in your car, change) for used copies.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Journey-Meaning-Trinity-Series/dp/1576831604

 

Big Life Change.

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I think that the type of feelings that I have been feeling lately could be similar to the ones that people have when they are experiencing “Empty-Nest Syndrome”.
(is that a real thing–an actual syndrome? )
Hmm. I might Google that later.

(Sidenote: If “selfie” has been officially added to our American dictionary, it’s safe to assume that the empty nest thing is something your insurance will cover.)

Moving on.

I have been working pretty hard (after hours) to job search- and prepare my resume.
Do I even have a resume? Not really. Housewife and mommy has created quite the time gap.
I have a few state certification tests to take over the Spring/Summer months, and I finally almost done with my school…..

and think I have finally, (finally) absorbed the crazy notion that both of my children
(who I won’t publicly call ‘babies’)
will be in school next year, and mommy is going to to work an official outside j.o.b.

What is happening to my life?

Roughly 5 years ago, when my husband and I had our first discussion about me quitting my job and staying at home– it was scary, but it was what we really wanted…. it is what I really wanted. It was something that meant a lot to me as a mommy, but also as a woman in recovery who had already missed so much life.

In theory, it would be easy.
But it was a huge life change. Huge.
A huge but perfect life change for our little family.

Being a stay at home mommy has been a gift to me.

Through this one, huge, life- altering decision, I learned so much about my husband’s character as a man, as my partner, as a ‘daddy’  and as a human.
I was met with an overwhelming, supremely supportive response to this change in dynamic from family and friends, and it has grown over the years.

I have had the honor of loving on my kids-all day every day.
I have been able to be here to take wayyyy too many pictures, and document everything.
(I didn’t say organize, I said document)
I am here and I have taken it all in.
I am happily sober -so I can remember it ALL.
(which is pretty nice bonus.)

I know that not all mommies can be home, I know that not all mom’s want to be home, and I know and respect that not all who are home, want to be home.

As a former single working mommy- I did not have this option open to me. I have worked two jobs, night jobs, bar jobs, just to hustle to pay the bills. I so empathize with those of you who truly
(single or not) aren’t getting to live out what you really want to do.

That is just another reason why this experience was so amazing.
I wanted to have the chance to be here at home, and my husband and I were able to work it out.

Yes there were things we chose to live without, but we have made it work.

This experience has affected me as a woman in so many ways.
I learned things about my own capabilities, likes, dislikes, my passions, my limits, strengths, weaknesses and talents that I may not have otherwise discovered.

I feel like I am like a 5- foot- tall Swiss army knife/ninja, multi-tasking wizard of sorts; completely flexible, not afraid to get dirty and feel confident entering in this workforce thing.
(Hmmm. I wonder if I can put that on my resume?)

I really cannot describe how much this experience has changed my heart and how much it means to me.

 

I have tried to teach myself to pick the good out from the uncomfortable.
To view change as opportunity and to use the unknown or the uncomfortable as a chance to learn to trust God and the to trust the process more and more each time life throws inevitable life transitions my way.

Things happen- we either adjust or we don’t.
Seasons in life come and go anyway, regardless of how ready or resistant we are-  it’s happening.

So I am going to take this change.
Although initially, I was shocked, in disbelief and felt a little bit sad-
I am a also rational person.
There is nothing that I can do to halt the age progression of my children.

I have gone back to school for a reason and the only thing left for me to do at this point,  is to remind myself that my #1 job is to bring glory to God-and I can do that right now by trusting him through this life change.

My husband and my children will still remain my top priorities.
My blog and ministry are still going to be a close 4th –and my new job title, whatever that ends up being –will mesh into my priorities somehow.

It is going to be alright.

I am willing to bet (or not -I might have a touch of an issue with control, and betting is not my friend) but I can say with confidence that it is probable that
there is something brewing that I am not aware of yet.

Great things will happen this year, and I will be amazed (yet again) at how things work out when you trust God –and trust that the progression of life and it’s process of change.

Transitions are perfectly normal, and healthy. Scary, but okay.

Someday, I will be able to look back and see the blessings poured out all over all of this change- the same ‘change’ that I am so excited and justifiably terrified about.

So I guess if you learn anything from this post- and my blabbering
it could be that life throws us things.
We have to learn what to do with them – because it happens and it isn’t going to stop.
Change happens. Transitions come upon us.

We have to make decisions. Remain grateful that you have life- that you have a daily source of strength, love and everything else through your relationship with the Lord- that will never run out….. and hold on for the ride.

It can either be miserable or exciting.
That part is up to you and your brain. 🙂

Update: After working hard on my new resume and applying for different jobs-we found out that we were having baby #3. Oh’ life. Thankful I have a sense of humor.

The Husband Series: A Boring Future.

 

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At this point guys- we have gone from dating, to him realizing that I had a serious problem, us having massive fights and emotionally driven issues that led to my eventual decision to try to get sober and learn about Recovery.

At the point where I began going to meetings- I was figuring out who I was and why I used so much and how incredible life could be sober.

I also felt like this photo! Yes it’s funny, but as I changed I really went through a time where
I didn’t feel like myself anymore

– and among many other things–

I worried that my Zach would not
like the ‘new’ me.

Each Day Is New.

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For years I started each day with overwhelming sense of disappointment that I woke up…again.
I never looked forward to the chase, but I’m not sure that anyone really does.

My overall attitude had developed into knowing that today would be just like yesterday:
‘Same shit, different day’ and it was just the way I mentally prepared myself for how much the day was going to suck even before it really had a chance to begin.

When the chains that were squeezing the life out of me snapped, this kind of thinking was one of the first things to go.

Obviously, I didn’t develop a new life philosophy or overall attitude toward life overnight, but I did not think about not waking up.

I began to wake up focused on that sliver of hope that I had found, that I could actually do something better with my life. Over time, I adopted a different attitude and a new line of thinking.

I try to remind myself every single morning that each day is new.
Every single morning I am further away from my old life.

I am one more day away from that struggle that I can so vividly remember,
but that I am so intently living opposite of and these are things to be grateful for.

Science tells us that positive emotions broaden our sense of possibilities and can open our mind.
This allows us to build new skills and resources that can benefit all areas of our lives.

Positive thinking produces feelings that cause you to feel happy & expectant of more good to come.

Negative thoughts lead us and drive us too.
They can drive us right back into isolation, and they will continue to dominate our mind until we are intent on combating them.

We can begin to believe that our options are limited and our outlooks will become more narrow.
We can start to feel weighed down and moving forward or making progress can feel too difficult.

It is a nasty trap to fall into and a hard place to get out of.

Anyone who knows me wouldn’t describe me as a morning person.
I have been trying to force myself to turn into one for a few years now, but it really hasn’t worked well. I can’t force myself to wake up and work out before everyone else is awake, and I don’t typically speak to other humans until I have had at least a sip or two of coffee.

Despite the fact that I am not a chipper morning person, I still know how important my thoughts are, especially at the beginning of a new day.

I know that nothing good comes out of dragging all of yesterdays stuff into today or assuming before the day has a chance to begin that it is not going to be decent one, at the very least.

Of course I have days that are more rough than other days, and some days I can feel life smacking me in the face, but like they say my worst sober day has nothing on my best day when I was living my life chasing something that I could never catch.

So every day I try to start by reminding myself of all of the things that I am blessed to have.
I remind myself that I have choices.
I am an imperfect person with an imperfect, but full, sober life.
I love myself and I love the people who are doing this thing called life with me, and I am alive. 🙂

His compassion never ends.
It is only the Lord’s mercies that have kept us from complete destruction.
Great is his faithfulness; his loving-kindness begins fresh each day.
LAMENTATIONS 3:22-23

 

 

Fall 17 times, Stand up 18.

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One of the first books of the Bible that I ever read (or understood)
was in the book of Romans.
Romans 7:18 was the first thing that I memorized.
(Naturally, I had to get it tattooed on my body.)

Verse 18 goes like this:
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

It continues in verse 19 to say:
For what I do is not the good I want to do;
no the evil I do not want to do-
this I keep on doing.

Wow, right?!

This is the best way  to describe what was happening in my life at during my darkest times.

I kept trying to do better and I kept falling on my face.
Over and over and over again.

Deep down I wanted to do better or to be better, but I just kept digging deeper and deeper and falling further away from what I wanted to be until I just gave in.

The whole theme of my downward spiral was basically my well-intentioned desires
being over powered by underlying pain, unmet needs and sub-par coping skills
as I was living a life contrary to my very quiet conscience that desperately tried to make itself heard despite being smothered.

The fight between what I somehow know was right and what we I was actually capable of doing was so real.

The struggle can tire you out pretty fast and before you know it you are drowning yourself so you don’t have to look at the mess that is your life.

I tried to get sober and stay sober on my own, by myself, many times.
Dozens.

I tried to take on my demons and in the end, I lost every single time.

This verse doesn’t remind me of my strength or my own power-
it reminds me that my ego is not my friend.
It reminds me that pride is not what keeps my recovery growing.
I don’t have all of the answers.
I know what I can handle, and what I cannot.
I know my limits.
I know that I cannot do this alone, and there won’t ever be a time where I am called to live in isolation.
That is not what we were meant to do or how we were meant to live and it is not how recovery works either.

With God on your side, nothing that comes against you will be able to take you back down to that place ever again.

When you do fall, He will pick you up.

This is how we beat that urge to give into the familiar power that has overtaken us so many times before.

This is how we win.

About Me.

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Most personal blogs, specifically Recovery blogs, have a detailed ‘my story’ or ‘about me’ section.
Often, they choose to start from birth, work their way up to their addiction forming, proceed to telling the story about how rock bottom felt, and work their way to the present.

I really don’t see any problems with it and don’t think it’s a bad thing.
It works for a lot of people, but I have found that it really doesn’t for me.

I have had a hard time writing the ‘my story’ page for my Recovery blog.
I have tried. Really, I have.
Most writers will understand when I say that it is difficult to write when it feels forced or there isn’t any passion behind it. That is how it is for me anyway..

So it isn’t for lack of trying on my part.
I have typed it up and it just doesn’t sit well with me.
I have yelled at it.
Published it, and quickly deleted it.
Prayed about it.
Deleted it.
Re-typed it.
Revised it.
Edited it and deleted it again.
and deleted it for the last time.

and usually if I am not feeling good about something there is a reason.
I have realized that I have to just do what works for me and that I like mine the way that it is.
Current and present-focused. To me, about ‘me’ doesn’t have much to do with anything in my past.

It isn’t that I am ashamed of my childhood.
I am not afraid to share it.

As time has passed, the impact that my childhood has had on my testimony has decreased, and isn’t really a big part of who I am anymore. On paper, it has dwindled down to a few sentences and has been overshadowed.

Studies tell us that in the cyber world, we lose people’s attention pretty quickly.
As writers we don’t get a whole lot of time to hold onto the attention of new readers.
Considering that, I think it would be counter-productive to ask strangers to sit for fifteen minutes, reading my most personal childhood hell (trauma, neglect, violence etc.)— in chronological order,
in order to get to why they’re really in that section in the first place- and that is to get to know me.

I shared that story for years.
It served its purpose as a therapeutic tool meant for my own healing and personal growth.

God helped me use that part of my story to get me to a healthier place.

Through that process I was able to see the significance and value of forgiveness, making amends, and moving on.

At some point I realized that this part of ‘my story’ was not going to define my personal identity any longer.

It keeps me humble and grateful.

But I have really just realized that
…’my story’ is much much more than traumatic childhood experiences.

My story is a continuous thing, updated on my blog every week!
My story is still unfolding as I type!

That is what I find so ‘beautiful’ about life.

My story and yours, is a journey that continually moves, changes, and if we allow it to, it transforms!
We discover, experience, and feel —LIFE!

I am sure this will change over time, as I publish my first book it might be more necessary to dig a little bit deeper in that section of this blog. If I ever get to my second idea for a book, I am sure it will change again.

For now, I will try to keep my about me section relevant and aligned with my current goals of writing and sharing my life and thoughts with you guys.

And also, thank you for reading and sticking by me. 🙂

You Won’t Please Everyone.

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My blog is public for a reason.
I try my best to use my experiences to help other people in recovery.
I make my ‘work’ email available to anyone who might need it.
People contact me if they are interested in writing a guest piece for Discovering Beautiful.
Many people send me emails with networking opportunities.
Others just email me to update me on their progress in recovery or just to vent.
and I love and appreciate having the opportunity to connect with my readers.

But unfortunately, doing things this way also leaves the door wide open for people from my past to contact me.
This was a non-issue for my first couple of years in the blogosphere.

I know for sure that some of the people who I used/partied/ruined my life with do read the things that I write.
Truthfully, I am grateful for that.
Everyone deserves to live a healthy life and if I say anything to encourage that for someone else no matter who they are, or how I know them, or if I don’t know them….
that is awesome. That’s what giving back is all about.

But one person from my past (who I would prefer not to hear from)
has sent me several emails over the years.

He feels like it is really important to remind me in each one that I:
“Not ever forget where I came from.”
Well thanks for that.
I won’t.

I will be honest, this frustrates me more than it should, but I remind myself that
there are two kinds of people:

*People who have some unhealthy connection to a certain lifestyle and will never allow themselves to forget where they came from, who feel some sort of obligation to stay true to a certain way of life. They comply with some unspoken, mandatory code in order to belong to some non-existent club full of people just like them.
The person who sent me these emails (yes, plural. Apparently, it is of utmost importance that i not let myself for get where i came from.)  would only be happy for me if I was a 33 year-old mother of 3, driving an Oldsmobile Cutlass 442, listening to underground unreleased gangster rap, on my way to the laundromat.
Or maybe he wants me go buy my childhood trailer back from its new owners? Or maybe that basement I lived in for so many years is available, I really miss smoking pot all day and making bongs out of household items.

*and the people who aren’t afraid of and believe in embracing change and forward progress.
The ones who can look back and thank God that they had that particular life experience, but who are grateful that so much has changed since that time. These people understand that their roots are a small part of who they are as a whole. They are always with you but are just a piece of your story.

The truth is, when someone says something like this
with a negative underlying tone-
here is what they actually mean:

“You are doing great. You seem to be really happy and a lot different than you were. You are acting ‘better’ than you ‘really’ are, and the truth is, this doesn’t work for me.”

If I let every person who tried to hold me back win, I really would still be living in a basement somewhere believing that I didn’t deserve a GED, and wasn’t capable of doing anything else with my life because I had already failed.
I think that if someone like Jay-Z did the same thing, he might still be in the projects.
If Jewel did the same thing, she might still be living in a car somewhere.
If Eminem believed what others said about him, he just might still be living in Detroit working in a factory.

We don’t have to forget where we came from but we don’t have to let that place or that lifestyle be the base in which we live our new lives.
Certain things will always be a part of our story, but we are in no way obligated to any of it.

You really can’t write new additions to your story if you are obsessive about re-reading the old parts.

Not everyone is going to applaud or support the changes that you have to make in order to invest in your recovery.
It really is just another thing that you have to learn to deal with, but considering all of the hard things that you are forced to go through for sobriety, this issue is a small obstacle.

I am going to keep working and will keep doing my best to help as many people believe in themselves as I can.
If you are reading this, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t change or that you don’t have what it takes to make it.

 

 

 

Why Did You Change?

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For family members or friends of people who are addicted, we often wonder if they will ever change.
We worry.
We lose sleep.
We wish we had answers or effective words or more powerful love.
What it will take for them to finally be ready?
How much more will they have to lose?
How many more injuries can they sustain? Hasn’t it been enough yet?
What if it is never enough?

But I know better. Endless worrying won’t make any difference.

That pressure to change can be crippling. To hear the desires and concerns of people who have pure intentions, who are not motivated by anything other than the bond of love. While their expectations are heard, (and it would be perfect if they inspired people to change), most of the time it only stirs up anger toward self, and toxic shame. I can remember scrutinizing myself relentlessly after a plea from a family member. For fuck’s sake, the way I viewed myself was about all of the criticism that I could handle, and when I was hounded with inquisitions concerning my life choices, I just wanted to evaporate. I didn’t want to think about how many people I had hurt or let down.

I hit my personal bottom a few different times just to be safe. But I was tired and as motivated as I would ever be, to take the jump.

But having the motivation or feeling inspired to change varies with every single person. Everyone has a place that might look like a bottom to everyone else, but it doesn’t feel like it’s deep enough for the person who is using. Then on the other hand, not everyone has to hit a bottom. The hard and unfortunate truth is, some of us make it and some of us don’t. I am not sure we can pinpoint a definitive answer for why this happens.

Maybe it is just a combination of things. My personal opinion is that it is a mixture of a person’s psychological and biological make-up & development, whether or not there is a consistent and solid support system in place,and also whether or not the system in some cases (doctors, insurance etc) drops the ball during any phase of recovery attempt.

Yet, sometimes all of those things are happening, and moving and turning and the wheels are spinning and things are working and it still doesn’t change the outcome. It is baffling to me. Why is it that some of us hit bottom and change.  We feel motivated or inspired, we take the  jump, and somehow we accumulate time and we make it to tell the story. And then, some people who are motivated and inspired who have hit bottom and want change so badly, they don’t make it.

In life I have learned that there are simply some answers we don’t get the privilege of knowing. Sometimes there just aren’t clear-cut answers. It can be frustrating and it feels like we should know more and do more and be more for other people. But we can only do so much.

I am just going to focus on asking myself how I can best help people to stay motivated.
How can I help another person to keep progressing as time passes after they get to the point where they are willing and open to making changes?
How can I be of service to them as long as they are wiling and active participants in their recovery?

Maybe the best answer for me right now is to stay motivated. To keep doing my tiny part in this huge thing.

Early Recovery Truths.

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Early recovery is hard for so many reasons.
I think we all have unique experiences, but a lot of the hurdles early on are very similar.
One of the biggest problems many of us face is the fear of confronting our past.

For me, facing the truth was important to my sobriety.
It was really one of the first steps that I needed to take in order for any of this to work.

Drugs began as my happy place but Addiction became my hiding place.

Sobriety was uncomfortable for so many reasons, in so many ways, but basically it meant that I had to allow myself to be various levels of vulnerable.

I did not like vulnerable.

Exposing myself meant facing the past and looking at the present, and deep down I already knew what that was going to be like. I mean obviously, I had been doing my best to avoid it for as long as possible.

I knew that if I really wanted to change, I had to accept things that weren’t going to be easy.
One of the hardest parts for me was that I had to let go of the past.

Here 3 things that I realized along the way:

1.) Allowing yourself to let go of the past doesn’t mean that it didn’t matter.
Letting it go means not letting it take up any more room in your head or your heart for anymore time.
This makes room for new, healthy, meaningful things.

Yes it matters, but that isn’t the same thing as continuously feeling it or thinking about it.
I had been holding on so tightly because to me that was equivalent to showing that it happened and not forgetting it.
I didn’t really know what else to do with the pain.

I learned that the things that I experienced were wrong, and they shouldn’t have happened, but the blame game was officially over. In order for me to move forward, it had to be.

My feelings were heard, validated, and met with empathy.
and that’s all that could be done. It was now my job to put it away.

I learned that you can either take the deck of cards that you were dealt and play them however you can,
or you can fold because its too hard. I wanted back in the game and I was done playing conservatively.

I learned that we have no control over which environment that we are born into and we are not in control of our childhood, but that we can try to do something different.

We can stay stuck, living tied up emotionally, like a prisoner held captive by repetitive thoughts and recurring reminders of the same pain over and over again or we can decide that enough is enough, and be done living there.

Facing and accepting the painful stuff for exactly what it was gave me permission to begin the healing process through forgiveness.No longer would I allow my past to have control over the choices that I would make in my future.

Buh-bye, crappy past.

2.) The past is not an excuse to denounce ownership of the present.
If I wanted to learn how to make more responsible choices in the future, my first step was going to have to be taking responsibility for my poor choices in the past.
By taking ownership it meant that I no longer blamed or relied on other people to direct my life and the way that it was going.
I finally understood the direct connection that I had with blame, by tying my hurtful past in with every choice that I made for myself as a young adult. By taking charge of my choices and acknowledging that they were mine, I could sever the link between the present and all of my rage, bitterness, and stored up anger.
I learned that there were reasons why I hadn’t made thoughtful choices for myself or invested in my future. I was self-sabotaging because I didn’t believe in myself, I didn’t believe that I deserved any better, and I felt more comfortable being angry and sad.
I used my childhood as an excuse to stay stuck for far too long.
By admitting powerlessness over drugs and alcohol I actually began to see that I did have the power to make different choices. I could, in fact, rise up and do some really good stuff in my life. I had been drowning myself the entire time.

3.) Hard truths actually prepare us for healthy and progressive recoveries.
Cool things happen when you face reality, even if that reality is not pretty or perfect.
Rolling with the punches or accepting whatever life throws at you isn’t always easy, but it will make you stronger.
That is what happens when you start to unpack your own baggage. You don’t need a man to unpack your bags, you’ll unpack your own. It allows you to see exactly how strong you are, and at that point, you are totally pumped and ready to keep pushing forward in your recovery.

When you start to live your life with your head above the sand, you have no choice but to learn different ways to cope with the ups and downs of life.

You start to understand that feeling is a good thing and to feel the good things means that unfortunately, we also have to feel the negative emotions too.

It is scary but we stood up and felt the things that were once killing us (literally).

I progress in my recovery by allowing my experiences to relate to other people in different ways.
I have become a compassionate and empathetic person.
Now, I can see how all of the hard things in my recovery have actually been some of the biggest blessings to my own life and how they have enabled me to be a help to other people.

Recovery doesn’t mean that the past is erased,
it just gives us the opportunity to do something different with our past and our mistakes besides letting it destroy us and shame us into isolation.

We are allowed to be exactly who were are, and who we are is shaped by our past, but not controlled by our past.

 

Bravely Amateur.

images

consequences unable to teach
Sobriety out of reach

hands reaching for help,soul screaming for rest
shunned,pushed away, not good enough at best

angry, empty exhaustion setting in
help me, I’m slipping, no ones watching,
dying from my sin

one kind hand, one open heart, the right time, the right place, a fresh new start
recovery, fresh eyes, new life, new heart

fresh air, real hope,reach out ,give back
hard work, good tears,God gives what you lack

thankful ,blessed, revived, new quest
give it away, love them, find all of the rest

they all matter, share your heart, go and tell the others,
help the daughters, sons, the strangers, & other mothers

life with a pulse, a life with purpose
the secrets out, they need to know this

the cries he heard, the screams he can hear
he was there all along, and knows your true fear

take a step toward the light, leave your old life behind
your regrets, shame and failures and your old frame of mind

His love is a gift, transforms you – you will see
he breaks chains and shows you what it means to be free.

So I am not a poet, lol.

Calm Drama Free Life

I am grateful for the experiences that I had during my 20’s, and all that I was able to take away, learn from and grow because of. However, I am ready to embrace what 30 has to offer! Who knows where God is going to take me, but I am ready to find out! No regrets, no   tailoring my decisions based off of other people’s opinions- just ready to get out and do some awesome things!

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