Percocet. I love you very much.

Pill-Head

After my c-section and tubal ligation, I chose not to take any pain medication stronger than the standard issued 800 mg of Ibuprofen every few hours.

It did absolutely nothing. My pain remained a solid 10.

On top of having latching issues and being brand new to breastfeeding a new adorable tiny human every single hour after having a major surgery, it quickly became too painful to move.
I couldn’t walk, sit up, or stand up from a low position without wincing in severe pain.

My last ditch effort to get through the rest of my second evening involved me trying to sleep in an upright position in a rocking chair.

I rolled the baby’s bassinet right up next to me.
Less moving. Less effort on my part, but I was still able to reach him.

Perfect.

Every few hours my nurse would come in for one reason or another, and she would ask me again:

“Are you sure you don’t want Percocet, you know you just had major surgery?”

I would consider.
I would imagine the pain drifting away and me loving it too much.

I would look at my husband, and back at the nurse.
“No, thank you, I am pushing through just fine.” (<–Lies)

I know how ridiculous it sounds to people who haven’t ever had any dependence issues on prescription medication.

It was just a pain-killer after all.

But I am just a person who has experienced a very real, very powerful, physical and psychological dependence on prescription medication.

After 8 years of being pill-free and pain-killer/downer free
why was I so afraid?

I was terrified to even consider taking anything stronger than Ibuprofen.
Surely I could make it through.

But that just wasn’t how it actually went down.
It hurt.
Everything just really hurt.
I was experiencing severe pain.

This was causing me stress and hardcore anxiety.

I was already very tired, and self-care was something that I have grown to value and rely on and I was quickly breaking down.

No my life wasn’t falling apart but I certainly didn’t feel like myself.

I wasn’t able to relax.

I was overthinking various outcomes of what could or might happen if I did take something stronger.

In my mind each time a nurse asked me if wanted something stronger for pain, the kinds of things that I imagined in my head would have made anyone a hot anxious mess.

All that I could see was me slurring, falling down, passing out for hours on end- neglecting my hungry newborn baby boy.

I immediately began to see and feel and experience every single mistake that I had ever made as a parent during my former pill-head days.

I have fallen asleep when I was supposed to be awake.

I have slurred my words, totally messed up bedtime stories, and puked in front of my child.

I have forgotten to pick him up before. I have fallen asleep in strangers driveways and on the shoulders of highways.

I was overcome with fear and all that I could see me letting God, myself, and my family down.
I could see it all crumbling so quickly.
I couldn’t stand the thought of waking up something that I categorized as a sleeping demon.

So even if I was in so much pain that my eyes welled up with tears at the thought of moving, I just couldn’t….

But I did.
I pressed my nurse call button with so much purpose.
I decided to trust myself.
I couldn’t wait another second.
I was finished playing games with my thoughts.

When my nurse walked in our room I told her that I felt like it was time to take some stronger pain medication, like now.

I was prescribed two Percocet every 6 hours. I asked to start with one because I wasn’t sure how my body would handle it. I didn’t want to be sloshy happy mommy, I just wanted some relief.

(which is hilarious because I back in the day, I could ‘handle’ handfuls without much effect whatsoever)

Within 25 minutes my pain was gone. 
It was completely gone.

I felt happy and my mood immediately lifted.
What a difference.

I am not sure I realized how much more stress I was putting on my body and my spirit by forcing myself to endure severe pain after a major abdominal surgery.

I had discussed my pain levels in-depth with my husband. He knew that I was sincere.
He knew I wasn’t bullshitting him or saying what needed to be said to have what I wanted.
I kept a real and honest assessment of my pain levels, and shared openly with him. That made me so much more comfortable. And then, I trusted myself.

For people reading who have never personally experienced the control and power of being addicted to a substance, maybe reading this will help you to gain a better understanding on the grip it can have over a person’s mind, body, spirit, and soul.

It does sound pretty ridiculous to put yourself through something that you could have avoided so easily, with the push of a red nurses button…
but the risks were very real to me despite the fear not being as honest and when in doubt, I prefer to take safe routes these days.

 

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