This is not about me taking off yet another mask or coming out of hiding.
This is all continuing to accept, embrace, and understand the raw and very real core of what makes certain parts of the real me…me.
The first 3 or 4 years of my Recovery were definitely an exclusive journey of self- discovery.
I spent most of this time searching for answers to questions that I think were necessary for my own personal development:
-Who was I, who did I use to be before all of this?
-Who did I allow myself to become?
-Who is God?
-Who did He create me to be, despite, or because of, all of this stuff?
Fast-forward to present day, a few more years later.
I find myself in a season of life where I am truthfully very comfortable in my own skin.
With that being said, I am finding that even more adventure awaits on the self-discovery front.
It’s like it never ends. 😉
I have recently (like within the last year recently)
opened Pandora’s box of my own social psychology, and am more than intrigued.
I feel like the more I learn/compare/contrast/consider etc…
I find so many parallels…
So many parallels between myself and all of the theories behind the whole
“ACOA” label, and the traits of children who grew up in addicted/alcoholic environments that go along with it.
Apparently, growing up this way had a lot more psychological impact on ‘me’ than I had once thought.
So why now?
Why am I just now connecting these particular dots in my own life?
Here’s the Reader’s Digest version of what I think has happened, in successive order:
(and I think it was supposed to work out this way for me)
*I finally, (reluctantly, excitedly) chose Recovery.
* I spent the first year hating, raging, blaming, crying, making amends, purging, healing, forgiving, warming up to God, taking off masks, and being counseled ..hard-core.
* I began learning the importance of taking responsibility for my own life, actions, choices, and consequences.
* A total of 3 or 4 years were spent doing all of these things. I focused on the simple idea of functioning like a typical human and learning to appreciate & enjoy life, drama free.
* The next 3 years or so were much more calm, and were basically me, learning about myself.
God had been showing me who I was and that it was more than okay to be comfortable in my own skin. He was helping me learn how to live a calm, peaceful, life- with gratitude for my new chance at life. He was showing me how my ongoing story could bless other people in different places.
If I had caught wind of this ACOA thing-
I would have manipulated it in some way, to fit my liking of having to do less work…
because, admittedly, that is exactly the kind of thing that would have appealed to me.
Knowing that certain parts of my personality/demeanor were solely shaped by the actions of someone else, or were a result of maladaptive coping on my part—-
would have made me very happy, but would never turn into a benefit for anyone (including myself) in the long-run for any important reasons.
Instant gratification never produces anything worth having.
So , the next few posts that I have written are about how I gained a deeper understanding of how I am wired and rooted in certain ways.
Let’s do this thing.