Throughout my life, there was this one thing that I ran from. For years. I refused to embrace it. I didn’t dare dream of getting too close. There was no way I was going to feel it or attempting to use its strengths. I definitely wasn’t going to become carelessly reliant on it.

Vulnerability.

What a dirty word! It still makes my chest tighten typing it. When I sent my book out into the world that chest-tightening clenched me. I am not ashamed of my experiences or my story. I am quite proud of myself for making courageous decisions to share some of my scars.

See, vulnerability plagues me and blesses me. Before recovery, it was the thing. That thing I refused to get close to. I didn’t like me. I didn’t like where I came from or what I knew of who I was. I was ashamed of myself and letting people in was too risky. It was hard to keep my masks on all the time and I couldn’t guarantee that my identity wouldn’t be found out if I had people in my inner circle, so I didn’t have a circle at all. Letting anyone beyond my constructed walls also meant there would be a higher risk of experiencing pain as a result of connection. That was just another notch in the depth of the level of my wounds, so I decided, that would be a hard “No thank you.”

We always talk about the paradoxical aspects of recovery, and there are just as many when it comes to faith in Jesus as well. Most of what we want lies directly on the other side of what we hate the most. Other times we have to give away the things we think we need to keep, to have that thing that is best for us. We give our life to Jesus, to gain a new life in Jesus. We suffer through steps and facing pain to get well. We raise our white flags in surrender to win. We pour into others, giving away the knowledge and wisdom we gain to grow in knowledge and wisdom. Pretty amazing stuff.

Speaking as a person in recovery from trauma, shame, and drugs and alcohol, I have really enjoyed experiencing these paradoxical promises of a changed life and heart. None of this shit makes any logical sense and yet, it’s perfectly tailored for our individual growth on our personal pathways to peace.

Vulnerability was my one main thing. That thing that I escaped from. The thing I was always most afraid of. That thing that kept me in isolation and stirring in fear. Of course, it’s that thing that unlocks the fullness of my life. My connections. My ability to relate and bond and fellowship with other humans. The one thing that I was afraid of most? Oh’, that’s that thing that God wanted to use to make my world explode in the most vivid and powerful way, saturating every facet of my life with new and exciting opportunities to discover the beauty He sets before us in this life, while we’re here.

The ironies aren’t coincidental and I pray that I never stop noticing them!

So whatever your thing is, that one thing that you fear most? It could be the key to freedom that God has been trying to push you closer toward. Try scooting over a bit. You might be surprised.

If you’re interested in reading my new book, Discovering Beautiful, Finding Freedom from Childhood Trauma and Self-Destruction, it is available now on Amazon!