Only recently have I acknowledged how deep my guilt can still run. How the idea of a biological connection’s importance still feels so ingrained inside of my head. The world made me feel as if I owed my family something-that because we share DNA, I had to give more chances than were necessary, safe, or healthy for me as a human.
I have since left that mindset behind-the “family over everything” mentality that could’ve killed me. I am thankful for that and I feel deep gratitude for the life that God has given me. The one I created and the opportunities that have come as a result of making healthier, more calculated choices. I am happy to be alive and experiencing the healing I had always craved.
But I do still feel tinges of guilt for “making it out.”
My brother hasn’t-yet. My mother will spend another holiday season alone convinced I have abandoned her.
Knowing these things makes me feel terrible. But allowing these things to take over my mind and ruin my holiday and my kids’ holiday is not an option.
My healing has shown me where I begin-and why that’s so important. I have learned where they start and stop and what is and isn’t and what was and wasn’t my responsibility to “take care of.”
I think what is most helpful for me to share here is that both of these things can absolutely be true AT THE SAME TIME.
I can respect my boundaries and implement them. I can be mindful of my choices. I can do my best to create a stable and calm and super fun environment for my kids to create their own memories in and have their experiences.
AND
wrestle with knowing that my family will be alone through the holiday season.
And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I am doing something wrong or not doing enough of something. I am doing my best. I am a feeling being. I care about other people. That is normal. But it is not okay to berate myself or guilt myself into thinking that their predicament is MY fault or is my job to fix or it is my job to make them feel good or warm and fuzzy.
I used to think it was. And it almost killed me. I couldn’t fix myself and I certainly didn’t come close to saving them.
That was true then and it is still true today.
So I will do what I can and what I am able to do within the scope of my capabilities and I will choose to give the rest to God to hold and work out.
Happy Thanksgiving.