Every line of this photo is very personal to me.
I have felt the weight and have allowed myself to be held back by each word at some point in my journey.
A large chunk of my past causes my gut to tense up, seizing my breathing, causing my reality to pause as I cringe in disbelief at what a piece of shit I was.
Listen.
My addiction and self-destructive aftermath felt something like this:
Storms, storms, and more storms.
I endured storms, one after another. I survived them, and then became a massive, destructive ball of energy seeking to destroy everything in my path.
I was wounded and in immense pain.
When I wanted sobriety and peace I had to stand in the debris of my life.
It was really hard to think about the pain I caused people.
It was maddening to think about the people who harmed me physically and emotionally.
It hurt to leave behind pieces of my life, walking away without ever getting closure.
It felt embarrassing to reflect and admit the massive amount of people I had let down, lied to, cheated with, cheated on, stole from, or wronged in some form.
It’s was not easy or logical to forgive people who hurt me, who weren’t sorry for the pain they caused.
I hated extending forgiveness to people who weren’t aware that their actions caused me pain and expensive, lasting, suffering.
I wanted to be angry. I wanted to live my life in the thick of my justified and deserved anger, all while trying to hold my shit together as I sunk deeper into shame and regret for the way I treated myself.
I hate thinking about the time I missed that I wouldn’t ever be able to get back no matter how tight I clenched my eyes and squeezed. It would always be blank. The time I threw away makes my heart ache for the unknown: The nights. The weeks. The months. The holidays. All that I cannot remember or piece together.
Being aware that there are people out there who consider me to be a flawed, trash human; born without a moral compass or an ounce of class.
It was tough.
But Addiction and Trauma Recovery offered me one of the worst and sobering and absolute best and freeing things: acceptance.
In order to move on and allow transformation to happen in my life, I had to accept what was.
There’s always that long list of things we cannot change.
After you get that all clearly defined and outlined, you are left with a shorter list of what you can control.
It’s a really short list.
YOU GET TO DECIDE WHICH DIRECTION YOU WILL GO NEXT.
So while the list of what we can control is much shorter in length compared to the longer, more deeply humiliating compilation of what we can’t go back and redo or take back, it makes up for with POWER.
It’s a short list but it packs a lot within it. It’s a quality over quantity type thing. If it were a human being it would be a wise, observant, quiet one.
Interesting how one small decision to let the stuff we can’t control go, and boom. We are walking away from a long list of stuff we never needed to hold onto.
Suddenly walking in a forward motion toward a person we don’t even recognize, but who feels more familiar than any other version of ourselves we have forcibly embraced.
We are finally getting acquainted with a version of ourselves that isn’t bogged down and stifled by the past.
This is called opportunity that is created when we choose to make different, healthy decisions.
This is where God’s grace meets everyday life application.
It’s an intersection that defines the trajectory of our journey.
We might not have control over the past or what people think of us or whatever is behind us, but we choose to believe that from this point on we will not allow that shit back there to dictate what is in front of us RIGHT NOW.
For me, I have not yet crossed the finish line- and don’t believe I will here on this earth.
I am not recovered.
I am not immune to those thoughts of doubt or shame that occasionally whisper to me: You are a terrible example, you’re a whore. Don’t you remember, you are actually a piece of shit who has done really bad things, so God can’t use you. You aren’t capable of helping people, you couldn’t even help yourself for so long. You aren’t a good enough mom, you don’t know what you are doing. (All complete bullshit btw, but imagine if I gave up every time a doubt crept into my mind)
We have to choose to let the past go without minimizing what we can take from it in order to move on with our lives. We have to choose to believe the truth about our future and our character.We have to choose to silence whispers or any other energies trying to drag us down by focusing on God’s truth.
So let the past go.
It has done it’s job, we can take what we need, and now it’s time to LEAVE IT WHERE IT BELONGS.
Let the whispers of who you used to be, suffocate as they drown in God’s love for you and His promise to clear your slate and wash you as white as snow.
The LORD says, “Now, let’s settle the matter. You are stained red with sin, but I will wash you as clean as snow. Although your stains are deep red, you will be as white as wool. (Isaiah 1:18)
Let God transform the way that you see your reflection in the mirror.
Soon, your entire life will look brand spanking new.