Thanks to the extra time offered by the anxiety-producing, world-wide pandemic, I finished my second book. I still can’t believe how God has moved in and through my life. I mean that. As insanely beautiful as it was to find sobriety thirteen years ago, it has been even more unbelievable and unexpected to watch my pain transform. All glory to God and a big giant thank you to my friends who have supported me and cheered me on throughout my journey.
What’s most odd is that while I feel the excitement, I also feel like now is not time to celebrate. People are sick, people are afraid, and people are losing loved ones. I wanted to start this post by saying that I am so sorry if you are on the front lines of this thing, in any capacity. If you’re a doctor, nurse, CNA, receptionist, or have a loved one who is struggling at home or hospitalized alone.
I am so so very sorry. I cannot imagine what you must be going through every day. It breaks my heart to try to make my mind comprehend that level of fear and sadness.
I have been shut-in now for around five weeks.
Our family of five, thankfully, isn’t immunocompromised, and my husband is still able to telecommute to work.
Things have been challenging, still.
I don’t want to ignore my own feelings of anxiety because I feel that others have it worse right now. I know they do. But that doesn’t mean that I am not anxious or worried that my two asthmatic kids will somehow fall ill with this virus. I am saddened to think about my fifth grader not being able to hug his friend’s goodbye as they splinter off to their perspective middle schools in the Fall, or take part in their elementary school graduation commencement.
I am also torn up about my other son, who is a senior in high-school. I know he is disappointed that this is the way his experience will end. As a mama, I have been waiting for this particular year for a long time. Prom, graduation, senior picutres- it’s supposed to be the crescendo year, sending him off into the world with a bang.
Still- my family is safe and healthy. Comparatively speaking, I know it could be worse so I am taking this thing day by day and reminding myself that it’s okay to feel grateful and sad and afraid and happy.
I have been acknowledging and respecting my own feelings and sitting with them, without undermining what I am feeling.
Finishing my second book was not a goal I set for myself during self-isolation. It was my way of cultivating alone time late in the day.
I told myself that it would get done when it was supposed to.
I wrote when I could and tried my best to carve out time for it and it just so happened, I was pretty close to being finished before this virus overtook our lives.
Discovering Barriers is about the reality of living with the after-effects of complex trauma.
Over the years as I have healed and my journey winded and changed as I did, the one thing that didn’t was the nagging feeling that I was so f*ked up, I would never actually know what it might be like to be ‘healed.’
That, despite my best effort, committing fully, working hard, learning to trust and have faith–even still, those areas linger around waiting for a misstep.
I’ve often wondered if I am alone in this; am I doing something wrong? Am I just not doing enough of the right stuff or have I not found the good stuff?
Truth be told- I am doing okay. Trauma hijacks the brain and body and healing isn’t linear and it doesn’t promise full restoration.
The barriers are there- so we have to decide what we’re going to do. We have to believe that the roadblocks aren’t a reflection of our effort. They just are.
I have learned that God’s grace meets me at every barrier I face, shining a light into the darkness so I can see where I am going and how, when, and where to move.
Discovering Barriers didn’t hurt to write, and that felt refreshing. It felt nice to distract my mind from the pandemic around me, filling my television, my news feeds, and my children’s curiosity.
Though I have written about the barriers that get in my way, I felt empowered. I wasn’t writing about things that have kept me from living a wonderful life.
And that’s it.
They’re there, and they might be in my way, but they will not take away my right to live.
That’s what this next book is about, and it will be available in a week or so on Amazon. I hope you enjoy and find it in your heart to leave a quick review for me.
I appreciate you and can’t wait to hear what you think.
Stay safe, friends.