So much of the healing process for me has been about the shameless and fearless integration of all of the best parts of the versions of – well, me. Unapologetically plastering a person together with pieces that I have saved, scraped off the floor, or created from scratch with a helping hand from Grace. I…
Category: Addiction
If I could tell you anything.
When we were kids, I should have been a more loving, kind, supportive, and involved sister. Some parts of me wince at the thought of reminiscing over the past and the kind of person I used to be. Why didn’t I do more? Hug you more? Tell you it would all be okay? Still, I…
Survivor. Guilt.
Only recently have I acknowledged how deep my guilt can still run. How the idea of a biological connection’s importance still feels so ingrained inside of my head. The world made me feel as if I owed my family something-that because we share DNA, I had to give more chances than were necessary, safe, or…
Stepping into Alignment
Depending on who you talk to and what they believe to be true, you will hear various ways to describe what I am sharing with you today, and this is just my own version, from my perspective, and from my personal experience. Childhood Trauma that is complex is literally like tornadic activity. It’s coming. You…
Showing Up.
The internet talks a lot about self-care and how it’s not a selfish act. And it’s not. Not for those of us who developed habits and patterns of thinking that excluded us from being cared for. I spent my childhood caring for others. I cared for them because I thought it was my job. That…
Carry the Message
I feel like my words written to you right now couldn’t accurately describe the depth of overwhelming gratitude that I have for any other survivors out there who reach out to me to let me know that somehow, in some small way, my words written from my deeply personal experiences have helped them or encouraged…
Clearing the Air
It never ceases to amaze me how far unhealthy, toxic, dysfunctional people will go to tesr people down. I feel like this is just another one of those things on the long list of consequences people from dysfunctional families don’t talk about often. Sometimes, no matter how far we move from the past, there are…
Stephen’s Center
I was humbled to be able donate my books to the resource library at Stephen’s Center! When I first started feeling the tug on my heart to share parts of my story, my hope was that my book would somehow, by the Grace of God, end up in rehabilitation facilities. I just wanted other hurting…
🧠Let it Flow & Let it Go ðŸ§
Through it all, I still feel peace. And that’s grace.There is no shame in the struggle. The traumatized brain takes time to heal and create new things.I have found that being honest about how I am feeling, making sure I realize and remember that having hard days is not a reflection of my worth or…
Out of the Shell.
The road to recovery. Often, people assume that this simply means sobriety. But for people who experienced complex childhood trauma for an extended period of time, “recovery” means something different. It’s more. It’s personal and diverse and it’s different for each one of us. Because we all react different to different, unhealthy, experiences. For me…
Early Recovery
I remember what it feels like to live in hiding. Afraid of what people would think if they knew the turmoil I held in my heart and fought in my mind everyday. I know what it feels like to want change but not know where to start first because your life is such a shit…
Escape
Chapter 8: Escape Outwardly, I was a rebellious teenager pushing limits, breaking rules, and defying authority. Inward- a girl pushing away real connections, breaking anyone or anything that tried to break through my walls, and defying anything that felt unsafe or asked for vulnerability. I was angry. Afraid. And obsessed with keeping myself safe. Long…
Discovering Barriers
Trauma is really hard to talk about. It’s hard to describe, and it’s hard for people to understand. Healing from trauma is a uniquely difficult journey. Barriers are everywhere. They get in our way. We fight, and they fight back. It can feel like our past is reluctant to let us go. There are things…
Mindset.
Don’t Give Up.
🖤 Do you know how deeply I believed that I wasn’t worth anything. That I wouldn’t ever contribute anything to this world. That a “person like me” didn’t matter? I tell you not to give up– because I know what that’s like. •••Do not give up – you have NO idea what God is going…
Freedom.
Freedom. For those of us in recovery, freedom means we are free to move forward. Finally, we aren’t surviving day to say. Drowning and gasping for something real to feel or hold onto. We are not tied or bound or held down by the things meant to take us down. We were held down and…
Trauma, Self-Destruction & Healing
1. Book 1 in series: Discovering Beautiful Here’s how it all started to unravel, revealing the damaging power of Childhood Trauma and my toxic, inherent need to hide. I hit dark bottoms, ultimately, finding freedom from the grip of my past. 2. Book 2 in series: Discovering Barriers What has happened since? Is healing over?…
Trauma Healing- is Hard.
If you or someone you know is in the process of facing their traumatic past, please share my books with them. My hope is that they serve as an aid of encouragement-reminding Childhood Trauma Survivors that they are strong and courageous, and never alone in the fight for freedom and independence from the past. My…
From Escaping Shame to Living Hope.
I decided to use some of the time that I have here at home to organize some of my old photo books. I have been writing notes and dates and names on the backs of the photos so that one day my kids will have context. I’m also including the photos pictured above in one…
New Book!
Thanks to the extra time offered by the anxiety-producing, world-wide pandemic, I finished my second book. I still can’t believe how God has moved in and through my life. I mean that. As insanely beautiful as it was to find sobriety thirteen years ago, it has been even more unbelievable and unexpected to watch my…
Featured Warrior – Warriors on Purpose
I am honored to be a Featured Warrior on Kip Shubert’s website, Warriors on Purpose. If you don’t know, Kip is the founder of Warriors on Purpose. He is a father, teacher and someone who is passionate about guiding people and sharing his experiences strength and hope to help others break free from their destructive…
Thank you.
Someone just sent me this pic. The order I placed for these has not yet arrived so that means I had still not seen my own work yet, in book form, until tonight! Crazy! I am BEYOND thankful for friends who support me!! I am blessed measure, well past what I deserve to be able…
Unhappy Breeds More Unhappy.
Not even sorry. Not even a little bit. Sometimes, with dysfunctional families no matter how much space you create, certain things funnel and trickle their way down to you. In my family the gossip always finds a way, probably because no one respects your wishes or your privacy or boundaries or the hard work it…
Vulnerability.
Recovery. It has shown me the beauty, brilliance, importance, and power of vulnerability and connection. It feels really good to be open, honest, authentic, and willing to face the ups and the downs with another human who knows the real me. It doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle from time to time. Certain touches or…
Thirteen.
Happy 13 years of sober living to me. When I look at myself I see an whole, yet comfortably-imperfect, content, woman. I see someone who enjoys being a student of all things and a person who can gratuitously accept my long-list of character flaws that are covered by this massive & powerful blanket of Grace…
Find You.
Childhood Trauma takes. It steals so many things from us. Time. Innocence. Sleep. Consistency. Developmental milestones. Memories. Our ability to recognize, receive, or offer love. Our voice. Spirit. Willingness to be vulnerable. Our ability to connect. It’s okay to take some time and start from scratch. Figure out who you are. Not who you were…
Perseverance.
I think because of my past, my upbringing, and my experiences -one of the things I hate most post-recovery—- is the unknown. Like most people, I don’t enjoy not having answers or not knowing what’s coming next. But because of the trauma I survived, the illusion of control is a comfort I am still learning…
Shame is a Liar.
No matter how much time passes- I won’t ever forget how this felt.I will always write specifically to that one person out there, terrified to reach out.The one who believes it’s too late, it’ll be too hard, they’re too far gone, or too damaged.I believed those lies too.I remember how it felt to believe the…
Breaking Cycles & Family Patterns
To my grandmother: Breaking a cycle or pattern. Sometimes it doesn’t make a lot of sense to read the words. It’s the difference between theory and practice. Often it doesn’t make a lot of sense on paper, but when we actually live it, the pieces come together and the words finally make sense. _______ -This…
Cont;nue.
If you are reading this, and you are feeling weary or tired or unseen- please know that you matter here on this earth. Amidst the hustle and noise, the rough days, and the ones you don’t want to get out of bed or look in the mirror– this world still needs you. You. Your gifts….