I Care.

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This so-called “F*ck-it Bucket”.
How does this work and where would I find one at a decent price?

-Asking for a friend. šŸ™‚

I think I used to believe that I owned one of these buckets. This was back when I also tricked myself into embracing who I thought I was or had to be, and that person was the emotional equivalent to an armored tank.Ā That or a hollowed-out lava rock. Something like that.

Present day me will notĀ chuck any of the things into a figurative bucket that has gained a pretty rockin’ reputation for being the ‘easy way’ to get rid of f*cks given.

And remember, it’s not because I haven’t tried it.

It isn’t that I think there is something inherently wrong with people who are capable of committing to saying ‘f*ck it’ and leaving it all there in the bucket, where they put it.

It’s because I have lived that way and it didn’t work out.
My f*ck-it bucket and I have amicably parted ways.

Here in the land of the living I have learned that I can say matter-of-factly that I actually have a lot of f*cks left to give about a lot of things and denying this is counter-productive to personal growth in all its forms.

Yes, I even care and think of and occasionally worry about things that may not merit or deserve to grace the presence of my sacred f*cks.

But I can certainly appreciate the idea behind and usage of the bucket. It holds its contents and keeps it separate from other things.

I also understand need and yearning and strongly desiring release; to be able to let go of something and move forward without feeling the weight of whatever is in that bucket.

To just keep going without looking back.

But it’s the looking back part that tends to ignite internal struggle thus defeating the whole idea and intrigue and convenience of a f*ck-it bucket.

Personally, I prefer things to beĀ more analyzed scrutinizedĀ —-organized.

I like having a plethora of buckets available.
I might toss this or that into one of these, or something similar:

#1: The ‘when to let go’ bucket
#2: The ‘when to hang on’ bucket
#3: The ‘take your time and evaluate the things that are in my control’ bucket
#4: The ‘be vigorously honest about the things that I cannot control’ bucket
#5: The ‘I am so grateful and humbled for and because of these things’ bucket
#6: The ‘I have chosen to forgive’ bucket
#7: The ‘things that I am sure of’ bucket
#8: The ‘remind yourself that you are healed, forgiven, and not your past’ bucket

The truth isĀ that I care too deeply and feel too immensely in general to utilize a f*ck-it bucket correctly. I can’t toss it in and neuralyze my memory like it never mattered because f*ck-it.

But I can remind myself of a few things.

I have done all that I can do, and now it is in this bucket over here.
And because I myself am a miracle, who was once thought to be a throw-away person who would or could not ever make any real change, I know that there is always hope for something different to happen or come from this situation. There really is always hope.

But in the mean time, I don’t have to carry it around.

My sobriety and my life that I live every day in recovery from drugs, alcohol, and trauma. It has shown me what it means to admire and embrace my own authenticity and from that, I have learned to be mindful of what is mine to carry and what part of the load I can put down.

I have been introduced to the value of facing my issues, small and large, rather than pushing the hard things aside.

And IĀ have benefited immensely from living as my authentic self and even from fumbling around, tripping all over my feelings.

Because I am a feeling being and know that’s okay.

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