Go Out There and Give a F*ck

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“This so-called ‘F*ck-it Bucket’.
How does this work and where would I find one that isn’t defective?”

-Asking for a friend.

I used to believe that I was a proud owner of one of these buckets.

Back when I lived my life as a girl with emotional capacity comparable to an armored tank.

Present day me: Not a huge believer in the so-called “F*ck-it bucket.” And holy hell it isn’t because I don’t think it a useful idea. Of course there are some things that I’d love to chuck in a f*ck-it bucket.

But after many unfortunate years of trying to forge a normal relationship with my f*ck-it bucket, we have amicably parted ways. Here’s why:

I have come to believe that this mindset was one (of many) components that fed my perpetual cycle of addiction. 

1. I couldn’t operate “f*ck-it” responsibly.
Surprise. As-per my usual, I cannot half-do anything. I could not ever just simply toss a few things in here and there. No, no, no. My brain would have me believe that in order for my bucket to matter, to really exist, I’d have to dump ALL of my f*cks into the bucket. Why else would I even use such a thing? Throwing things into this bucket would seem fun, easier, and useful at first. Give me a week and I could show you how to make this bucket idea into a mentality, and then a full-blown lifestyle choice. It’s what I do.
Go big or go home.

2. It gave me a false sense of control over my emotions.
For me, a “f*ck-it” became another destructive tool I kept in the top shelf of my took-kit. F*ck you, f*ck him, f*ck her, f*ck it all, really. I could take it or leave it, no matter what “it” was. I associated this with being strong, and pretending that I was strong complimented my false sense of control. It made me feel secure, like I had my shit together, when in fact, none of my shit was together.

3. It encouraged my ego.
Ego is the opposite of authenticity. I felt like such a badass when I didn’t give a f*ck. When I denied myself connection I felt empowered, yet woven into the fabric of my being I had a heart that cared. I felt deeply. I actually gave a lot of f*cks about everything. I screamed to be noticed, but walked around giving the impression that I liked being unattached. Unbeknownst to me, I am empathic. Essentially, I was suppressing the most natural part of who I am. As I fed my ego, I denied my true self the chance to feel and to live and to be seen. Living in a constant state of ambivalence was exhausting.

4. It aided and abetted my chronic need to isolate.
Nothing annoyed me more than hearing what I should have been doing instead of what I was actually doing. So, I walked around like I didn’t give a f*ck. I treated people like I couldn’t have cared less if they were in my life, out of my life, either way, I didn’t give a f*ck. This made it so much easier for me to live my life on my own, without having to hear lectures, well-intentioned advice, or having to endure too many misguided guilt trips that were intended for good. I wanted to be alone, and throwing everything into a f*ck-it bucket really helped people to see and to feel that they weren’t wanted or needed.

I know that I took this to an extreme level. To me, saying “f*ck-it” means something. To me, this means that in order for it to belong in that bucket, there is no connection, care, or after-thought. It is cut and dry, and then left alone. I think that if you are capable of throwing trivial life things there, more power to you.

But if you’re anything like me, and aren’t willing to gamble, just create more buckets. I can appreciate the idea behind and usage of the bucket. It holds things in place and keeps it contained and separate from the other things. Totally useful, and personally, I prefer things to be more analyzed scrutinized –organized. I like the idea of having a plethora of buckets available. I might toss this or that into one of these, or something similar:

The ‘when to let go’ bucket
The ‘come back to it later’ bucket
The ‘take your time and evaluate the things that are in my control’ bucket
The ‘things that I cannot control’ bucket
The ‘I have chosen to forgive’ bucket
The ‘things that I am sure of’ bucket
The ‘remind yourself that you are healed, forgiven, and not your past’ bucket
The ‘things I am still processing’ bucket

Whatever. You can name them what you need.

The truth is that I care too deeply and feel too immensely in general to utilize a f*ck-it bucket correctly.

The truth is, I am more empowered and badass these days, simply by recognizing that I am feeling being. I know that I care and feel deeply. People matter to me. My feelings get hurt, sometimes so much so that my heart aches. Relationships end. Things change. I see and feel who I am and have learned to honor what her, the person God created me to be.

And actually, it feels great to have a lot of f*cks left to give.

So go out there, and give a f*ck.

“Being sober, and being off drugs,it’s a strange feeling. And I get real scared when I’m out here sometimes. I get real nervous about it. I wanna fuckin’ run! You know, I look out there, I say, “SHIT! IT’S SCARY!” But I say, “Fuck it. Go through it. Just feel the experience. Just fuck it.” ‘Cause if I had some drugs and shit now, I wouldn’t give a fuck. I’d come off stage, and I still wouldn’t give a fuck. Then, by the time you’re fifty, after a lot of not giving a fuck, you miss part of your life. They’ll say, What happened to your life? “I didn’t give a fuck.” -Richard Pryor

Tell me how you're feeling.

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