Tag: victory

Coming Out of Hiding.

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Hidden secrets will destroy you from the inside out.
Hiding behind substances will only deepen the roots of pain and the original problems.
Hiding from God- is unrealistic.
Hiding from reality is really exhausting.

The whole time that I was hiding, I really thought that I was protecting myself or blending in.
Maybe that was true in the beginning. I spent my childhood hiding, tucking myself safely away. Sometimes physically, other times I hid inside of my mind to block out what I needed to block out. I morphed into a person who could hide in plain sight.

I am positive that this was a coping mechanism, and it didn’t really translate well as the years went by.
I hid through the years of my adolescence in different dysfunctional relationships. I used substances as a way to end pain, and to force myself out of my comfort zone.
I was just drowning in severe depression and continuously reburying resentment that kept boiling to the surface.

It was the perfect storm. My addiction crept up on me and after it took over, hiding was my full-time job.
The lies always seemed like they had me right where they wanted me.

Alone.

I failed miserably at my first few sobriety attempts. I really did. I didn’t think I could do it.
I was afraid of failing and I was so scared to see what was out there.
I knew that I would have to face all of the things that I had been hiding from.

Recovery became my only option.
After a little bit of sober time it finally became clear to me why hiding is so dangerous.

We think we are isolating ourselves and hiding from everything that can hurt us.
What we are really doing is running from things that we cannot outrun, and shutting ourselves off from anything good that could happen in our lives.

I learned that God had been with me in all of my secret ‘hiding’ places.
God who loves me so much; despite all of the places that I had been.
Even after knowing all of the secrets that I thought I had kept.
He already knew the deepest innermost secluded parts of my heart.
When I realized this, and came to a place where I believed this- there is where I found my hope.
Hiding didn’t seem as necessary, and coming out didn’t seem as dangerous.

When our past, our mistakes, our vulnerabilities and short-comings are all known…
and we know it…….
there isn’t any reason to hide.

The truth sets you free because it illuminates all things.
Which means, you that you finally get to come out of hiding.

 

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

A glimpse of —her.

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This is a picture of my mother and I.

This short visit happened on April 13, 2013.

It has taken a lot of learning to trust in God’s word and personal growth on my part to be able to say that I am truly grateful for her, and genuinely happy that she has thought about trying sobriety.

I respect her for that, and have chosen not to love her only when she is doing ‘good’.
She has a dual diagnosis, and struggles with sobriety and balancing her mental health issues.

Having waited such a long time to try to begin to manage her life – has really had a negative impact on her treatment success.

I do know that I was grateful to have a sober visit with her, that seemed almost ‘normal’.
Whatever that is..

But it was the most normal interaction that she and I have ever had, my entire life.

I hope that we can do this again someday.

*Bear with each-other, and forgive one another if any of you have a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)

*Do not judge and you will not be judged. Do not condemn and you will not be condemned.  Forgive and you will be forgiven. (Luke 6:37)

I will be grateful for this visit if this one visit -even if it is the only one that we ever have.
We are all important.
We all deserve respect from other people.

My mom would be no exception to my beliefs.
My excitement for her is not for her as my mother, but for her as a person.
This is her journey, and this is one of her personal victories.

We have since had run ins, and not good one’s.
She struggles so much.
I pray for her, but am still grateful that I got to see a glimpse of ‘her’.

 

 

Emotional and Disconnected.

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