Tag: support systems

Husband thoughts part 1- The Realization

My husband’s journey through my addiction and recovery.
It breaks my heart to go back and think about all that I put him through, but living this life in the now, we can both see just how much this experience bonded us and our hearts together in such a spectacular way, that if we can get through what we have already- life might throw us curves but we are in this game for the long haul.

So it begins.
We went through a long list of questions and had long discussions about specific feelings and times in our lives. This series of posts will encompass these conversations, and various others that we have had over the years.

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***On recognizing the ‘problem’:

After a few months of dating, it became pretty apparent that your drinking and pill use was not normal. The way that you acted was not like a typical young 20 something just ‘having a good time’. It was much more than that.

You slammed your finger in your car door and barely noticed, there were times that you would fall asleep while we were talking and there were other signs that I noticed.
There was a time where you fell asleep on the side of the highway because you couldn’t stay awake, and you went to jail (the first of many times)
Another time multiple people had called in about your reckless driving and you were apprehended until someone came and picked you up.
On a different occasion, I was at your apartment and bail bondsman came over and started pounding on your door, and you went to jail then too.

This was all while we were dating. I was like what the fuck have I got myself into?
This girl is crazy and also, irresponsible. lol.

***Why did you not run for the freaking hills?

I already knew I loved you. The times that we had eating together, and just hanging out- when you were still sober or not as bad- I enjoyed being with you. You were a fun girl. So thoughtful and funny. When you were using, it is like you were a different person.
There was just something about you, and something in me telling me not to give up on this person just yet.

Later on after we moved in together, I began seeing even more of the addiction’s seriousness.
Living with you opened my eyes up to your world.

There was a lot of lying- not coming home when you said, not getting off of work and coming home for hours. You were evasive and defensive when I asked you where you were or what you had been doing.

There were so many other things that happened, but it all accumulated and I started to understand that this was a serious problem.

***How did that make you feel?

I was confused. I come from a family that has never really experienced true ‘addiction’.
We drink and have fun, but no one is dependent or addicted.

I did not know anything about addiction, that it was a real thing and a disease.
I thought people like that made the choice to ruin their lives and act like idiots.
So, I was close-minded for a long time.
Willpower and the sheer motivation to change was what I thought was the only necessary ingredients to change or stop.

I was ready to love this woman, and quickly learned that she did not know what that looked like or felt like. Not adult, mature —love you for you kind of love.
I loved her and was ready to fight.

I had no idea what I was up against…….

Husband Q & A

Relationships. 

Let’s say you are a couple.
You love each other and value one another.

One of you ends up with an addiction and becomes dependent on a substance.
It tears them apart and dismantles who they once were.

That person that you fell in love with  is gone.

All you are left with is an empty relationship, basically completely deteriorated;
looking nothing like it use to and there is not a lot of hope in your heart when it comes to the prospect of finding him or her once again.

*You are sad, and feel lost. What can you do to get this person back?
*Is it a fruitless effort?
*Are you hurting or helping? Where should you turn?
*Who is this person that you use to know?
*Should you take it personally?
*Can you be of any help?
*Is this person who you love going to be this manipulative shell of deceit and self-absorption permanently?

These are the types of questions that ran through my husband’s head and made his heart ache leading up to the days where I smashed into my rock bottom face first, and throughout my first two years of Recovery.

This is the type of confusion that he dealt with and had to learn how to navigate through. 

My addiction did have a profound affect on him, and although I was far too busy focusing on my recovery to empathize or inquire at the time–

in the succeeding years post active addiction— he has revealed so much to me about HIS journey riding on the crazy coattails of my recovery.

While I was abstaining, detoxing, hurting, learning, growing, and changing-
He was going through his own change and was navigating a new path himself.

I am going to share that with you guys now.

As a side-note or a disclaimer of sorts:
As a professional I would never support or recommend that a person in Recovery start/begin/consider a new romantic relationship.
It is not a healthy choice to make.

In the event of entering recovery as a married person or as a person who is already committed to a long-term relationship, I would definitely set certain boundaries and limits with both parties on a case-by-case basis. Everyone involved would be learning and would need to be counseled on some level.

Every life, recovery and circumstance is completely different. What worked for us, may not be something that will work for another couple who is struggling with getting through Addiction-TOGETHER. 

What does inspire HOPE is knowing that there are other people who have made it through some of the most exhausting and trying times, and have come out the other end—
strong and CRAZY in love with the new people that we have transformed into throughout our journey together and individually.

So take what you can from it and leave the rest. 

Thank you for reading and I hope that we can inspire you to keep working and loving.

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Addiction Recovery- Things that have helped me -1

Out of the countless tools and newly acquired skills that I have learned in the past seven years, one of the most important concepts that I had to accept is what I am going to talk about today.
It sounds very simple, here it is:
It is not my job to fix your problems.

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