Late at night, when all is calm, and our house is taking a rest, I see your face in my mind.
My heart aches for who you might be, or who I know that you are, hidden underneath all of your scars, and beneath the pain that you carry on your shoulders.
You would hate to hear that I am your secret prayer warrior.
Sometimes I cry, warm tears.
I let them stream down my face, saturating my pillow.
I say nothing.
I just let it happen.
I feel it.
I let it go, and I go to sleep.
Other times I immediately switch to a happier mental channel.
I do my best to not wonder where you are, or where you are sleeping.
I try to avoid the flashes of good memories.
The one’s of you running around in pajama’s on Saturday mornings.
Mostly because they are overwhelmed so immediately and change to the you accidentally falling into a fire, or unknowingly walking into highway traffic, or living through totaling cars.
Then, it will change to the you that I used to catch a glimpse of every few months, the you who used to still hold out a tiny bit of hope.
For that one day stretch- that you, he can only make it for so long before he is coughing up blood.
You are completely lost in him.
And then, it all starts all over again.
Realistically, I understand that I deserve to accept love.
I know that I have a right to my own happiness.
I remind myself why It is necessary for me to live my life separate from you, and raise my boys somewhere where you, well…..aren’t.
I still have times where I struggle to allow myself to embrace my new life.
I struggle to humbly celebrate my own victories as an individual.
I feel like I am leaving you behind.
So I put it away.
I tuck you safely into my heart and place you into my prayers.
I continuously push you out of my mind and put you back to a place where you can’t hurt me.
I quiet the worry that tends to creep in by staying very close to my savior, who reminds me of the truth.
You are worthy of love and redemption, but it is up to you to accept God’s gift of grace.
You have to choose to change and one day,
I know that you will.
I believe that you will.
I wish that I could hope you back to life.
I want to hug you without fear for my safety.
I want to look at your face and see life in those eyes.
I want YOU to see who you really are.
Until then, I will continue to keep my thoughts focused on what could be; what I believe could happen for you, or anyone else’s loved one who is slowly sinking, swallowing gulps of their own poison as each day passes.
Because hope is real.
Recovery is a real place where real people turn their lives around.
People just like you.
One day, I know you will know what I am talking about.
Until then, broski.