Finally. All Alone At The Bottom.

When no one came to my rescue, I found myself alone.

All alone in my self-created pit, that I called my deepest rock bottom. I really hated being alone. Feelings of loneliness seemed to be one of the only feelings that I allow myself to feel. Despite the fact that I always felt alone in a room full of people, I still preferred to be semi-conscious around people, than to ever be physically alone with my own thoughts.

I couldn’t seem to figure out how to numb loneliness.

But this forced loneliness was where the idea behind step one and I were finally able to come face to face. It is possible that maybe it had been there all along. Maybe, it had been there waiting for me every single time I hit the bottom. Waiting for me to arrive alone.

And it was here, this time, deep, in the midst of this unknown where I realized that I had lost this battle that I had waged against myself.

I finally admitted to myself that I was done pretending to have it all together.

Of course, from the outside looking in nothing had changed yet. My life was still a mess. I was skinny, malnourished, and unstable. I was still using and had urges to use and unmanageable triggers.

But ONE critical thing had changed down there in that pit.

I had become WILLING. 

People loved me when I was addicted by giving me rides, bailing me out of jail, giving me money, paying some of my bills or buying me groceries, or simply continuing to partake in good deeds that kept me feeling comfortable exactly where I was. All of these were all acts performed by well-intentioned people who were just loving the wrong way.

So remember. Pour out your devotion and love and loyalty and hope for your person in healthy ways that aren’t going to push them further down. Be a force in their corner, a person on their team that they can rely on, help them to see that you aren’t leaving. Be the person who refuses to tag along with them to the bottom to save the again, and try to be the person who is waiting for them at the top as they crawl up to the surface.

THAT kind of love saved my life. THIS is the kind of LOVE that kills addiction. 

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