I was recently asked if I had to choose my favorite part of sobriety, what would it be?
I went with my immediate & initial cognitive response. The one that automatically popped into my head.
That was it.
If I were to have thought about it for much longer, I would have debated, went back and forth, and eventually it would have turned into a full-fledged mental deadlock.
Obviously, I think sobriety and recovery are pretty amazing.
There are too many perks and positives to be thankful for and not enough depth to the adjectives that we have to choose from in the English language to convey how much I appreciate God’s grace, and all of the awesome humans who have supported and encouraged me through my journey.
So….Why contentment, then?
For me, out of all the feelings of sadness, anger, rage, dissociation, isolation, loneliness, envy, negativity, hopelessness, and pity….
The exhaustion from being continually discontent is the most prominent feeling that I remember hating and needing to rid my heart of before I chose Recovery.
I can recall feeling like I wasn’t good enough from a very young age.
I needed to be more, to be different, be even better, be prettier, dress nicer, be more liked, act more normal, look more happy.
As I got older I still felt inadequate in so many ways and I chased ….everything.
I still needed to have more, get more, earn more, be better, do more.
Addiction was not any different.
I had to have more, find the best, keep searching, continue making calls, re-search my own hiding spots, plan for the next day, worry and wonder about when my next fix would come, where would it be from, would I find it, were they home, where did they go, when will they be back, do I have the money, how much is my ring worth, will I get it back…
No rest for the weary and discontent.
I appreciate the aspect and benefit of Recovery of being able to feel content and I am grateful for the blessing to have a God that fills the voids that I wasn’t able or capable of reaching or filling to satisfy my own desires.
I know that I am enough, exactly the way that I am.
I can accept I will simply not be ‘good enough’ for some people, but that’s not my problem.
I can rest my head at night.
I can live each day and enjoy the ‘now’.
I am no longer seeking, searching, striving, and repeating, myself insane.
I really cannot think of anything better than that.