I am in recovery from the after effects of childhood trauma. My experiences changed who I might have been and how I operated, navigated, and interacted through my life.
For years I grieved for that little girl who had opportunities ripped out from underneath her. Anger and sadness consumed me, and I secretly yearned to bring that person back to life. I chased her, and searched for her for years, to no avail.
It wasn’t until my twenties, when I entered addiction recovery something important. One of my biggest problems was holding onto all possible hypothetical ‘what-ifs’ and something that I might benefit from was an about-face. I needed to cut my losses.
So I lit a match, tossed it behind me, and walked the fuck away.
I even tried not to turn around to watch it all burn.
It was the best decision of my life.
This is where my healing began.
I learned that there really is an art to letting go.
All we’ve got is the here and now, and our investment into our legacy. It doesn’t mean that the past doesn’t matter or didn’t happen, but it sure isn’t going to have the power to hold us back anymore.
Today I am just a human, doing human things. Being more of myself than ever before, confidently. Even if that means that my hot mess is just less messy, and more socially acceptable than it used to be.
And I might still struggle with perfectionism, high levels of anxiety, seasonal depression, a slightly distorted self-image and an urge to isolate myself, but I never doubt my worth, I don’t question my purpose and I have never regretted walking away.
So to you.
To the person digging out of a deep, dark place, or a tough spot.
If you are clinging to hope by a thread, or you feel like there is just too much to do, too much damage to repair, or too much dirt on your pretty face, please listen to me. I want you to know something.
I am just a person who once believed at her core, that she wasn’t going to get it together.
I am just a person who didn’t think that she would ever have a normal or a calm life or ever be good enough. I thought I would always be too far behind. But I am also just a person, who by the grace of God, dug herself out.
So if you let anything in this post soak into your heart, please let this soak in:
Gradually, things can and do get better.
Your life matters.
There are people out here who understand, who are on your side.
You aren’t a throw away person or someone who is just simply too far gone.
You keep going.
Every single day you do your thing.
Learn about yourself.
Surround yourself with people who love you, who really support you and want to see you reach your goals.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t good enough.
Don’t let self-doubt put you back into the corner.
Remind yourself that past mistakes don’t have the power to dictate your future if you don’t allow it.
Stay away from people who aren’t taking your changes seriously.
As you go on remember that healing and cleaning house TAKES TIME.
And that is okay.
There is not a set time frame for healing or making a life change.
It’s not a race, it’s not a competition, it is a transformation.
And transformation takes time.