Before I became addicted to Benzodiazepines and tirelessly & unsuccessfully escaping my life, I was a self-categorized professional ‘party girl’.
Ahhh. The life of ridiculous, careless, over-indulgence.
What a glamorous thing.
Long before my physiological-self needed its next high to start any given day, my false-self (ego) needed to remain active at all times, as long as I was awake, to serve as my reminder that I was still alive, relevant, and not as lost as I felt on the inside.
If I didn’t go out on a Friday night, or make it to ladies night Thursdays, or celebrate every single American holiday printed on my 12-month wall-calendar, I would double-over, cringing with anxiety, as I imagined all of the things I would miss if I stayed home. Also, staying in also meant I would be plagued with the overwhelming task of boring myself with my own company and having to endure my deep-seeded hatred of alone time. No thanks.
Halloween was no exception.
In my teens, Halloween meant having bonfires in geographical places where they weren’t allowed, nasty ass keg beer, hanging out until the wee hours of the morning with the same group of people, and hopping around from house party to house party until it was time to drive drunk to Taco Bell at 3 a.m. Amazing. Memories to be cherished.
As I got older it meant scrambling to dress my son in his costume long-enough to take a few photos and dump him off with his grandma so that I could go and celebrate Halloween as I should, and as I deserved: like an adult at a bar until it was time to argue with whichever bartender dared yell ‘last call’ in my face. At which time I would probably try to fight he/she, until I had to be physically removed.
Fun fun. Wouldn’t want to miss all of that.
Toward the end of my days living in active addiction hell on earth, Halloween mostly meant driving around all day having to endure shit conversations from older men selling Xanax, scoring as many as I could, for under seven dollars a pill, and going home to eat them all, smoke pot, and drink alone by myself all night. Those were the
days years. (Said no one ever.)
So I can relate.
It is hard to stay sober on Halloween so here are a few things to remember:
-You don’t have to have a “Happy” Halloween.
You just don’t. It’s okay to not feel super excited about being sober on a holiday. It is fine to pass on passing out candy, or to turn off the lights and ignore the entire thing. It is not okay to trick yourself into believing that drinking or using is what you need in order to have a ‘happy’ Halloween. We all know that it doesn’t work. Have a sober Halloween, not a happy one.
-Sometimes it can feel like you are missing out on everything.
You aren’t missing anything and deep down, you know you’re only missing the same ole’ same ole’. And remember, you are not missing anything if those things are going to hurt you and you are important to you now.
-You can start to talk yourself into believing you are being left out.
Don’t buy it. You are choosing to opt out, because you are committed to taking care of you. You are making strong, wise, choices because you are on a mission. You are changing.
-Like you can’t deal with the emotions that you are feeling.
Emotions and feelings are mean girls sometimes. Anxieties and fear and worry are strong little britches. They’ll relentlessly bully and harass you until you feel like you need to break in order to make it go away. But you don’t need to hide anymore. You are feeling it and facing it, but you don’t have to do it all alone. Call someone or reach out to any online resource out there, or go to a meeting, any meeting.
-You can talk yourself into buying the lies that one more time won’t be that bad.
Yes, going out to party ‘one more time’ is a really, really, terrible, bad idea.
End of that story.
-No you aren’t irrelevant or boring or lame.
You matter and you are important. You are valued and worthy, and exactly none of that is related to your proximity to the nearest Halloweenie fun fest.
-Yes, you can do other things.
Read a good book or go buy a magazine, scroll through Pinterest, watch a movie, go to the store and buy ice cream or Oreo’s and milk, take a long walk, go to the gym, buy a bunch of shit on Shutterfly and go to sleep early, or make a list of all of the reasons that you really want to stay sober and why.
-The truth is not what you think, so be vigilant.
Your body might be craving routine, your mind might try to force you into your old way of thinking, but keep reminding yourself not to believe the hype.
The truth is if you give in now you will just have to start again. You already know that you will end up in a place where you don’t want to be, and where you aren’t happy or healthy or at peace.
The truth is, you are changing your life and it’s hard to transition from one version of yourself to the next.