Have you ever woke up after a long night of partying to realize that you have no clue what happened?
Have you ever spent a whole night in total black out to find yourself the next morning in bed with someone you don’t know?
Have you ever blacked out and done something that you totally regret?
Or even worse, have you ever came to in the middle of a black out to find things happening that you’d much rather not remember?
I remember it like it was yesterday.
Well, maybe a lot wild.
I was waiting tables with people who were in college and they partied hard.
I fit right in.
I could get into bars without an ID, I could get drinks bought for me, I could get away with whatever and I wanted and I took full advantage of it.
I was young, promiscuous, and ready for a good time.
I was a wild party girl and I was proud of it.
They sure know how to party down in Austin!
Me and some girlfriends drove down from Arlington a couple of times until that relationship went sour. Relationships and monogamy have never been top on my priority list but I kept in touch with some of the people down there.
When a group of friends decided to take a road trip to Austin for a car show, I was all about it. I figured while down for the show I would stop in at the apartment complex where my ex boyfriend lived to see if there was a party going on.
Of course there was… there always was a party going on.
Beer was flowing and the air was filled with smoke. It was my kinda party.
The night was a blur but, surprisingly, I remember saying to everyone that I needed to go to sleep.
I was really high, (smoking has never been my thing I don’t like the effect it has on me).
I barely remember stumbling to a back bedroom, closing the door and passing out on the bed.
I was alone and fully dressed.
I don’t know how long I was in bed, could have been an hour- could have been 6 hours, I don’t know. What I do know is I woke up to a guy having sex with me.
I remember feeling scared and confused, and I wanted it to end.
Instead of fighting it, I turned my head the other way and passed out again.
I just let it happen.
I’ve never spoke to any of the people I was with that night again.
I have no idea who it was that was on top of me that night. I could pass him on the street and would never know it was the guy who raped me.
I was so disgusted and so ashamed, and I was angry!!!!
How could I let this happen to me? How could I be so stupid?
Maybe, I shouldn’t wear such revealing clothes.
Maybe, I should have locked the door.
Maybe, I need to stop being a flirt.
Maybe, if I had some control over myself this wouldn’t have happened.
Maybe, I’m just a piece of meat for men to use?!?!
It’s all my fault!!!
Not once did I see how disgusting it was for a guy to feel the need to have sex with a girl who is clearly not capable of saying no.
Any guy who does this to a girl is in my eyes not a man.
I’ve been in one unhealthy relationship after another.
I wonder if men are really interested in me or they just want to have sex with me.
Through counseling I have come to understand my need to date married men, my bosses, or men who are unavailable.
It is me seeking control.
I use sex as a way to control the relationship.
I figure they will use me anyway so I’ll be one step ahead.
I’ll use them and take all they have and then ..I’m the winner.
It’s a sick way to look at things, but I’m finally working through all of it through counseling.
I am working on having a healthy relationship with myself before I worry about having a man in my life.
I feel comfort in knowing I’m not alone, but at the same time, I am sickened by the fact that it’s more common than we think.
I have come to realize that it’s not my fault that it happened.
We live in a world that tells woman that it’s our fault that we get raped.
We’re told that what we wear causes men to act inappropriately.
As if they have no control over their behavior when a girl wears a short skirt.
It’s unfortunate that women are scared to tell someone when they’ve been raped because they will be called liars.
It doesn’t matter how much you’ve had to drink if you say no the answer is no.
I wonder if I could’ve saved myself years of misery if I had told someone and sought help.
But as always, wondering does me no good.
I have to focus on today and work on being the best possible me for myself and my kids.
Maybe one day I’ll find the right man for me, maybe not.
I’m okay either way.
I’ve learned that I am good enough just as I am, I don’t need a man to make me feel better about myself.
She is a loving mother in recovery who is inspiring others with her personal accounts of addiction and sobriety through blogging.
This is the link to her blog: www.MyTruthStartsHere.org