Looking back, early recovery was basically a big block time filled with excruciating discomfort.
Of course any life change is uncomfortable and so is coming off of drugs, but what had really terrified me was coming to the realization that I never really did know who I was. I hadn’t ever found myself. It was one of the hardest of my truths to accept, stone cold sober.
There were strong emotions that accompanied accepting that I was and had really always been, completely lost.
But even in the midst of my discomfort and all of the unknowns that I was being introduced to, this new way of life still offered a long list of positives that overshadowed all of my discomfort.
And while these positives didn’t cancel out the consequences of my choices, they did a great job of providing hope and inspiration to keep going despite all of the discomfort.
The ability to appreciate the small things was one of the first gifts that sobriety gifted to me.
I began to notice the things that I had never given a second look before.
I can remember the first time that I looked up and noticed the sun setting.
I was completely overwhelmed by the natural beauty.
The colors were so bold and bright.
This massive sky was very clear about its presence.
And I felt so small and so surprised that I had never taken the time to appreciate something that felt so obvious and beautiful.
The earth had presented this beauty every day of my short life of almost 23 years and I had never stopped long enough to appreciate or notice it.
For the first time I realized that I actually had the ability to soak in a moment and benefit from something that I couldn’t buy at a store or pick up from a pharmacy.
That was a personal victory.
And somehow, I even felt closer to God even though we were hardly acquainted.
The overwhelming beauty of the earth in all its natural glory truly put me in my place and I felt humbled.
I realized that The universe is a powerful living thing, and I have power over exactly none of it.
If something like this could make my heart feel so peaceful maybe life didn’t have to be as complicated as I had made it for so long. Maybe it was all more simple.
I had spent a lot of time trying to find ‘happy’.
I still hadn’t figured out how to fill the dark place inside of myself.
I would have never imagined that something so simple (& free) could offer me peace and calm. But what had changed was my mind, my heart and my perspective.
The sun has been doing its thing for a while.
Even now, years later, I still pull my car over to the side of the road if that means that I get a better view of a sunset.
Every single time I am reminded:
*Why I choose simplicity and why toxicity can have no place in my life.
*How small I am and how great God is.
*That busy is overrated
*How far the east is from the west; my transgressions have been moved that far away from me.
*My lack of control is very real. It is important to be aware of what I can and cannot control.
*How grateful that I am for the small things.
*The sun will always come up tomorrow and that means we have a new day- new chances and new opportunities to do a better job.
Sunsets have become meaningful to me and represent a lot of sober and beautiful happenings that I never thought would happen in my life.
It is a good reminder to me to not allow myself to get too wrapped up in anything that would cause me to ignore something so obvious and magnificent that is provided for us on a daily basis.
A new chance to start again tomorrow.
Wanted to share this with you. This song by Casting Crowns, truly speaks to me.