In Recovery we are taught to cultivate an attitude of gratefulness.
This helps us to begin the process of living in humility;
balancing living mindful, presently, and in the now yet not ever forgetting the trench in which we were pulled from, and the people who were there to help save us from ourselves.
The balance part is pretty important because you cannot move forward or gain your footing in your new life if you are stuck in the past. You cannot take advantage of a new life if you are rehashing the old one every chance you get, even after you have gone through the process(es) of healing, grieving, making amends and are on the road to a more positive mindset.
On the other hand, you cannot live in humility if you allow yourself to simply forget or you choose to minimize just how desolate your situation had become, and how much you needed help. Living humbly requires us to hold in our hearts, the truth. God uses people to save others, and thank the Lord we were saved (however you were reached, through whatever means you were).
It took me a few years to unpack, and to fully let go of my past, releasing its power.
I moved and worked through each step, some more quickly than others.
But as God worked in my heart and my life, and I completed my program, I feel like I was in a place to try to embrace this new life I had been given.
Here are 3 things that I am grateful for today, after almost 8 years of living as a woman in Recovery from drugs, alcohol, co-dependency, enabling and self-depreciation:
1. That I was given a NEW life.
Not a ‘second chance’ at life, because I would’ve blown that too..
(and if we were counting how many ‘chances’ I have been given, well…let’s just say the count is well beyond two chances or opportunities to start over.)
The chance to start with a clean slate is exactly what I needed. God’s grace provided me something that I obviously did not deserve, after blowing my ‘second chances’ dozens of times.
So a new life, a new me and the choice given to me to embrace this opportunity, is something that I am forever grateful for. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about who I was, who God has allowed me to become, and that there is always room for growth just blows me away.
This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new one has begun! (2 Corinthians 5:17)
I am grateful to have the ability to see things from different sides, angles and positions. Not really talking about empathy here, but the simple notion that I understand that things look different from different points of life and from different people’s shoes. This is why I am so grateful for my family.
-My immediate family of 5: I have three beautiful boys that I cherish. I see how God used my poor choices and the broken road that I created for myself, to help me to love these boys so hard and so much more than I would have ever if I hadn’t made such a mess of things. Every day is different and has its’ unique challenges, but I know that parenting three boys is a challenge that I am meant to have.
My husband. Looking back, I never would have guessed that we would have cleared the hurdles that we have, together. Sure. We knocked a lot of them down and fell on our faces along the way, but guess what? We are still kicking a** and running together. We are strong and God has shown me how our hearts come together in a perfect way, perfect for one another.
-My extended family: perspective has definitely done a wonderful job of revealing purpose. It is my belief that we are all on a journey and we are all figuring things out as we go. We all make mistakes and there really is no reason to hold onto bitterness or anger over the mistake of people who are simply trying to navigate life just as I am.
I am not sure that there is any good reason to carry any of that around.
The truth is, perspective has also show me that family, is not black and white.
-My church families, inherited family, friends and the rest:
Perspective has shown me that if looked at in the right mindset, the term family can be used pretty loosely. If we allow ourselves to open that door to our hearts a little bit wider, our hearts can hold a lot more than what we like to try to limit it to.
Love is a vast, rich, deep thing. If we let it in, God will pour it through the most unexpected places.
So, I am so so grateful to have so many people in my life, and our lives who care, love and ‘show up’ .
I would have never thought of it like this if my perspective hadn’t changed so much over the years, and it is only because of God’s love and the way that we are told to extend and accept love, that I was able to warm up to the idea that love is limitless and we shouldn’t constrict what we allow into our lives when it comes to people who truly care.
You must clothe yourselves with tender-hearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.
3. The ability to feel. (negative AND positive feelings)
This one may seem odd to you ‘regular’ people ( 😉 ) who aren’t in Recovery.
Using self-soothing coping mechanisms for so years as a child stunted and muted anything that I might have had to feel, face or confront.
This tactic translated pretty nicely into my adolescent and young adult years, as I still used my poor coping tools.
My drug use was a poor and insufficient substitute for coping and dealing with the reality in front of me. Whether self-created, or inherited, or both, I didn’t have the guts or sufficient tools to open my eyes, lift my head and accept anything real.
My sobriety, my Recovery and my relationship with God have all given me my the ability to feel again.
*God heard my desperate cries and knew my desires to get well.
He not only saved me, but helped me find my soul for the first time. I felt like a person; like I was seen.
This was probably one of the first times in my life and one of my first experiences with true joy (even if this tiny glimpse of light was just a predecessor of the struggle I would have ahead of me to feel anything more).
However, this is also what catapulted and revived my heart just enough, because of this shred of light, I knew there had to be hope for even…..me.
*Sobriety helped my brain to decompress, slow down and have a little breather.
After a year or so, feeling anything again was fantastic. Every emotion felt new.
I began to feel the powerful waves of inconsistent emotion that most of us in Recovery experience, but it felt good to be reassured yet again, that I was alive, I could feel again and that meant there was hope.
*Recovery has helped me to appreciate feeling. Although I still have emotions that I am more comfortable with than others, I am able to recognize what I am feeling and can accept it.
I understand that it is natural to feel the good and natural to feel the negative emotions as well. I am grateful to know that it is more important to try to maintain control over what we DO with the feelings, rather than trying to push away feeling altogether.
The most interesting part of the journey back to feeling and away from living completely apathetic and numb is that the joy and the happiness is far more vivid and incredible than I had imagined.
The negative and the more tough days or situations can get ugly and aren’t fun, but they certainly aren’t anywhere near as ‘low’ as the ‘low’ that I lived in for so many years.
So is there really a down-side??
There really isn’t when you are living.
I am grateful to have the opportunity to share with you guys.
I love everyone who supports me crazily opening my life up to the internet, hoping to inspire hope in someone else.
We are put here to share and spread love, and because of God’s love for us, we have the opportunity to make the choice to do just that.
I am also grateful to live in a country where the biggest consequence that I might have for sharing my heart with you guys, might be a few nasty comments, an un-follower or two (or 100), or being made fun of for loving and following the one true God, that is deemed ridiculous or illogical by the standards of some select people groups.
Not too high of a price to pay, and for that, I am grateful.